I am blessed to have a never-ending skip chat open on my desktop with Allison Nazarian and Sarah Robinson called “the daily confessional” where I can share all of my insanities, the snarks about who’s annoying me, the bizarre yet amusing serendipities of life, everything that’s going wonky in my business or with my daughter or with my love life …

… and be free.

Because hiding behind an artifice of perfection is tiring.

Hiding drains my life energy until I have nothing left to give.

Hiding is a slow progression to death of my soul.

But there is this incessant voice inside my head who constantly judges me, who wants … no, who demands that I be perfect.

Or, at least that I appear to be perfect.

As if that is the only way to succeed.

The only way to get people to read my blog. To follow me on twitter. To buy my stuff.

As if that is the only way to get someone to love me.

Yet in a fundamental irony of life, the exact opposite is true.

Only by confessing my inadequacies, only by revealing the ways in which I deviate from the norm, only by letting out the part of myself that is my greatest fear to be shared … only then can profound, intimate connections be made with other like souls.

So here are some of the things I don’t want to confess to you.

I’m taking alimony.

I can’t afford this amazing apartment in San Francisco, to pay for groceries and clothes for my daughter and plane tickets and new furniture … completely on my own. Yet. Right now a majority of my living expenses are paid for via spousal & child support.

I hate that I’m taking this money. Feels like I’m a failure of feminism, that I’m one of the lame gold-diggerish women who live from ex-husband to ex-husband, instead of financing my own life. Feels like a failure as an entrepreneur, that my newly-profitable business doesn’t yet produce enough cash to support my live-your-truth life.

My secret plan is the very second my business can replace the alimony, I’m releasing my ex-husband of any future obligations.

And from then on, I will be financially independent. Never ask a man to support my life. Always keep money separate from love.

But until that day, this is how I pay a majority of my bills.

I have raised my voice to my child.

Two weeks ago I taught the preview upstream class for the 6 Weeks to Live Your Truth program with my 4 1/2 year old daughter in the house.

Now usually (always) when I teach a class, my daughter is with her dad, or in childcare, or being watched by another person … never in the house with me. But it was a national holiday that are not in my current awareness, meaning that childcare was not available. And I thought, oh, I’m sure she can be quiet for just an hour. And I discussed the situation with her and she agreed (the agreement of a 4 year old? yeah. exactly.).

It did not go well. And everyone listening to the ustream got to hear me get impatient with my daughter. Lovely.

The thing is, I’m an introvert living with an extrovert child. And as much as I need private time to recharge, physical space every day, to energize myself … she needs constant connection, she needs other humans who love and care about her, to energize herself.

And after 3 weeks of being together almost 24-7 … both of us were energy deprived.

So every time people say, oh, you’re such a great mom, look at what you are doing as a mompreneur, it’s so amazing how you balance your life … I am saying to myself, yeah, if you only knew. If you only knew when I stick a DVD in her iMac and shut the door to my bedroom to gain a few minutes of peace. How relieved I am to drop her off with her dad for the weekend so I can have 48 continuous hours to simply be myself.

There are women where being a mom is their calling in life, where they can raise a dozen children and spend 24-7 with them and play all the time and homeschool them and cook them organic food and never run out of hugs.

But that is not me. Sometimes, I am full out of hugs. And sometimes, I just need a freaking break.

I have not been doing my bookkeeping.

Remember how I’m a financial expert? How I teach that “Money Meetings” thing, where you look at your numbers every week, keep on top of your finances, track your marketing stats, use cash flow projections to make important decisions about your business?

Yeah. I agree with all that. I teach all that. But I don’t necessarily do all that.

I mean, I have done it. But the last few months, I’ve been running around on adventures and moving and launching new programs and various other stories I could tell blah blah blah, and stopped doing my weekly money meetings, and even stopped inputting stuff into my bookkeeping program.

Not that I don’t look at my numbers, but it’s random and not I’m tracking historical trends more than late night obsessions over my google analytics.

And … I’m still deciding what I think about that, whether the way I was teaching weekly money meetings (as useful as it is for many people) actually works for me.

I forget most of my marketing.

I have dozen of affiliates that I forget to tell about launches. The last two launch preview calls, I forgot to tell my list about it until 48 hours before. I don’t remember or have a place to track who makes special inquiries about which upcoming program. I rarely remember to follow up.

Doing guest posts has been on my to do list for 9 months. I am a guest on radio shows and teleclasses and get press, but I don’t know why or how they found me and I don’t follow up with them or seek out such opportunities.

I launch programs without any upsells to something afterwards. I don’t let anything get out of beta before I abandon it and move onto the next thing. I even launch free programs with no upsell to a paid program. Up until very recently, I neglected to have anything for sale on my website.

It’s a wonder I any money at all.

And if one of my clients was doing this, I would flip out at them.

This is something I’m working on, and I know (for the most part) what to do. But it’s important for me to let you know … just because I know something doesn’t mean I always do it.

My websites are completely screwed up.

So most of you are on my website right now (and for the few of you reading the RSS feed, go ahead, click through to my site) … and let me ask you a question — what do I do?

rflol.

Yeah, exactly. When people go to my website, they can’t tell what I do.

And that’s not the only thing that’s screwed up. There’s no picture of me in the header or anywhere above the fold. There’s not even a real header. Half the stuff in the sidebar is broken. There are 64 different links off my homepage. There’s no way to buy anything.

And don’t even get me started on my sales pages.

Everything is in one column because I did it all myself. Too much white space in random places. It’s almost impossible to find the buy links. The copy is probably way too long. I forgot to ask for testimonials and didn’t put in pictures or any borders around the testimonials I do have on there. There are no buttons or graphics or colors of any kind.

I’m going to launch a new website soon, and get all of those sales pages revamped. But, in the meanwhile, they are out there on the interwebz, completely screwed up.

I don’t answer all of your emails.

I preach connecting with your tribe, building relationships with your community. Making that your priority.

But I miss emails from you. I have dozens sitting in multiple inboxes and follow up queues on multiple computers. And I don’t think I’ll ever catch up. And I just can’t let go to delegate to an assistant or automate anything.

I miss your @ replies. I miss your DMs. I have thousands of stuff sitting in my Facebook message box.

Sometimes it’s because I’m overwhelmed with amazing replies and just can’t get to all of them. Sometimes it’s because I can’t decide what to respond, so I put it off until the situation resolves itself or the opportunity passes me by. And sometimes it’s because I’m chickening out on conflict.

So yeah, I need to figure out how to balance connection with freaking getting stuff done.

And those confession are just the start of everything I fear you could learn about me.

The hearts of men that I have broken. How I’ve texted while driving. The dirty dishes left in my sink. That I didn’t put up a Christmas tree this year. I can’t iron. I don’t play with my cat. My car is a mess. The mail is piled up. I don’t always recycle. I’ve deleted my entire website by accident. I’ve filed tax returns late.

And I feel so much better from writing this down. And posting it. And that you’re reading this right now.

Because the secret is … some of you will be offended or lose faith in me.

And you will leave. As you should, because we were never meant to be.

But some of you will stay.

And here’s the awesome, amazing, delicious thing … with you I get to be myself. And not only is that okay with you … that’s why you like me, for the whole of me, including those parts of myself that I was afraid to share.

So … what are you afraid to share with us?

What are you thinking and not saying? What are you hiding that is leaching energy and life away from you? Who can’t you tell? What are you not speaking?

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I get asked questions about making videos all the time.

What camera do I use, how do I set up the lighting, where should I shoot, where do I host the video, how do I to edit, what software should I use, etc. ….

But that’s missing the point.

There’s one thing, one huge most important thing, that must be in your video, or you are wasting your time.

If you’re interested in how to make videos, don’t forget to check out 4 Weeks to Video, my online tutorial video program to teach you how to create videos that speak your truth & connect to your community (a bunch of free bonuses on that page, too).

So what questions do you have about making videos? What has your experience been with video?

I’d love to hear from you!

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Last week I went to Las Vegas.

Why? Well, it’s Las Vegas. Okay, I also went there to throw a tweetup and hang with the other entrepreneurs attending Ali Brown’s Shine Event.

After 5 days in Vegas, here’s what I learned:

Sometimes you need to do it with your eyes open.

The first “event” after arriving in Las Vegas on Wednesday was arranged by my friend Alexis Martin Neely — a yoga-ish tantric-ish bodywork-ish class facilitated by Alexis’ friend Charu. Don’t ask me to explain what this class was, I am totally not the woo-woo girl who knows about this stuff (yes, I own yoga clothes, but it’s for wearing on laundry day, not actually doing yoga).

Bottom line is that this class was designed to get this small group of women back into ourselves so we can access the power & truth in our bodies.

After working with us for a while, we each paired up with another woman in the group and did exercises which involved extended eye contact. This totally freaked me out.

Not because it was a way to really connect with another person (I’m totally into seeing other people’s stuff) but because it involved letting the other person into my stuff. Whoh.

Here’s the thing, I have a history of doing it (ahem) with my eyes closed to keep the other person at a bit of a distance, to maintain the artifice of who I think I appear to be.

So standing right there, with that woman in front of me, I decided frak it, I’m keeping my eyes open.

And I kept my eyes open for the next 5 days. Strangely, people seemed to still like me. Or at least they didn’t run away screaming.

Maybe I shouldn’t get used to having fans.

Something weird happened in the last 6 months. From some magical combination of making transparent videos & sharing TMI (too much information) on twitter, I became a famous person.

Okay, not an actual famous person. More like famous in a tiny tiny little world. I don’t know, maybe to like 5 people or something.

What I mean by “famous” is that people know me, really well, who I don’t yet know back. Not that I don’t want to know them … I just have not yet connected with everyone who feels that they have already connected with me.

So when I had my pre-shine tweetup on Wednesday night, not only did people actually show up (whew!) but some of them came to see me. Well, I’m sure they also came to talk to other people, but they wanted to connect with me in person, since they had seen my videos, followed me on twitter, or been on my list, and already knew me. Except I didn’t know them. Yet.

And let me tell you, that’s really strange. People I don’t know asking me to be in a picture with them, or just wanting to introduce themselves & say how much I have helped them. Awesome, yes. But really, really weird.

At first I thought, well, I have to get used to it. Get used to being a famous-in-a-tiny-tiny-world person, so when I’m an actual famous person, it’s easy. But the thing is, “getting used to it” might involve expecting it. Getting jaded. Holding myself up over the “other” people. Gross.

So never mind re getting used to it. I’m just going to get okay with being freaked out about it.

And, I’m going to keep connecting, keep engaging, keep nurturing the relationships I have with my tribe. So the next time I hook up with them IRL (in real life), it will be, well, less weird.

I am already awesome.

On day 1 of Shine, we were supposed to fill out a worksheet to figure out what needed to be done about our business and lives.

Question: how are you frustrated about your business & life?

Answer: Objection, question assumes facts not in evidence. (Sorry, inside lawyer joke there.)

Answer: My life & business are awesome.

Any frustrations I have are little things (my computer not working fast enough, the Starbucks chick forgetting to stir my mocha, etc.) that are easily moved through or solved.

And that’s huge. Every other year, I had a whole list of reasons my life & business sucked. But for the first time, I realized that they don’t. My life & business are freaking awesome. And whenever they aren’t, I immediately take action to make them so.

Really, that was worth the price of admission.

Knowing that I don’t need anything. Knowing that I’m already kickass.

Now that is freaking awesometastic.

(coming soon – part two, including: “If it worked yesterday does not mean it will work tomorrow” and “Bullsh*t does not work on social media.”)

Did you go to Ali Brown’s Shine event?  What did you think?  I want to hear from you — leave a comment below.

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Are you sick of trying to portray yourself as completely successful & perfect all of the time?

Especially since life is complicated. Sometimes stuff goes wrong. Or gets messy. Or gets harder.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could just tell the entire story, the whole truth, and people would still love you and buy your stuff?

[If you can't see this video, go here]

Check out Why I Never Want to Be Called a Guru … part 1 about access & engagement

So what do you guys think about telling the whole story?

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I created this video for my 6 Weeks to Live Your Truth Project members (we are still accepting new members until Thursday, so check it out), but wanted to share it with you too.

I have always loved to sing, but stopped singing in public when I was in 7th grade, when another girl got the lead in the church musical. At the time, I did not realized it was because unlike me, she had been taking singing & dancing lessons for years. But I viewed that as confirmation that singing was not my calling, and from then on, only sang to myself.

So here’s a little song for my Live Your Truth peeps, the first time I’ve sang in “public” in 20 years. Not only is this an example of doing something (very!) uncomfortable, but also a way of bringing a seemingly-unrelated passion into my business (as we discussed in 6 Weeks to Live Your Truth).

Why am I posting the video on my blog?

Well, because the very idea of posting it in public for everyone to see kind of makes me want to throw up. So, that means I totally have to do it. Cause that’s how I roll.

And … be nice.

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So how do you find your authentic voice?

The only way to find your voice is to speak it. Every day.

Check out the first video in this series: Live Your Truth Principle #1: Combine Passion With Skill

If this video resonates with you be sure to check out 6 Weeks to Live Your Truth group coaching program — in this program, you’ll have an opportunity to find & practice speaking your voice!

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The first principle in Living Your Truth is to combine your passion with your skill.

I’ve found that it’s not just about finding your purpose, or “making money from your passion.” To “live your truth” is to combine your passion with your marketable skills to create your unique business & ideal lifestyle.

If this video resonates with you, I invite you to learn more about the 6 Weeks to Live Your Truth group coaching program. If you have any questions about the program, or feedback from this video, feel free to comment below or contact me directly.

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Having trouble making a big decision?

Are you stuck? Got writer’s block? Unable to take action?

There are tons of guru’s out there who will teach you how to overcome or breakthrough your resistance so you can make a big decision or take big action.

But today I have another take on resistance … instead of trying to “resist” your resistance, look at it as a message from yourself to help you make decisions & take actions more aligned to your purpose & your truth.

But to use resistance as a tool you have to answer the big question … is your resistance coming from your soul, or from your ego?

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Are you running your business to make the quick buck today, or building to create something amazing over the long term?

I was inspired to make this video (made in a hotel room in San Diego) by Jason Jennings’s book Think Big Act Small: How America’s Best Performing Companies Keep the Start-up Spirit Alive, and the free chapter of Gary Vaynerchuk (@GaryVee)’s new book CRUSH IT! Why NOW Is the Time to Cash In On Your Passion.

Here’s the thing … even though my decision does happen in business every day (especially for those who become *great*), it’s definitely not being talked about enough in our industry. And for a long time I was afraid to say this out loud … but after reading Jason’s book and Gary’s chapter, I’m convinced it was right for me and it may be right for some of you.

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In my last video, Goals Suck, I shared my process of “being” each day — two of those states of being for me are “Being Real” and “Being Uncomfortable.”

So in the interest of Being Real and Being Uncomfortable, here’s the truth of what’s going on w/ me right now.  Cause everything is not all rocking-out and super-cool all the time … sometimes, it’s confusing, stressful, crappy, and weird.

Oh, and by the way, you also hereby have permission to not be happy all of the time too.

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