Guest Post by Megan Matthieson

I was standing in the kitchen of a corporate apartment in NYC, talking to my hubby about the contradictions of being a mother and a performer. Society is tough on mothers.

“Imagine how Madonna feels,” I say.

I think of Madonna often. Once a week? A month? I admire her. Not because she sings or gets nasty or adopts African babies. Not because she’s a year older than me and looks amazing. (Although I do love that).

No.

I look up to her because she gives the impression that she beats the crap out of every single day, leaving no day un-messed with. When she arrives at her final ovation, I’m pretty sure she’s going to say, “I did it all, motherfuckers!” And, yes, she’ll be wearing strappy black lingerie and looking like The Bomb.

Very few pave the way for other non-conformers, and she does it in diamond- crusted spades.

I don’t want to do it ALL, exactly. But I also don’t want to let the malaise of an easy life suck all the punch and vinegar out of me either. Which could happen. I’m seriously lazy at times. More importantly, I don’t want to make other people comfortable, at the expense of my freedom. I want to envelop all the disparate parts of myself and be able to express every one.

As I get my full MEGAN on, I might lose a few friends along the way. The ones who liked me the most for making them feel comfortable. If I’m a little sad about this, I’m also relieved. I’ve spent too much time being nice and ignoring my bright insanity. I never lost the slightly daredevil impulses, but I pushed them down.

Like everything else in life, I wanted to do motherhood ‘right.’ I didn’t want to screw it up. I thought it all needed to look a certain way. Good. Nice. I needed to stand in the wings for them all. It was valid at the time.

Let’s face it, Madonna would be so freaking miserable if she wasn’t getting her full Madonna on. Right? But she’s a mother, too. If she doesn’t spend full days with her kids, I’d be willing to bet that the time she does spend with them is focused, and glowing with love and inspiration. If nothing else, they will grow up knowing how to beat the crap out of a day, if they choose to do so.

In hindsight, we can’t ever get it all right. I hated the PTA, felt wrong in a small town, and, I now realize, I need a heavy dose of foolishness to go alongside the tameness of middle life. Many of my choices were good, but at other times it would have been the better choice to get a little crazy and let my children see their mother in all her colors.

I am still nice. I’m also a really good mother. Like a crème filled cookie- my insides are all soft and lovey-dovey. I keep my family there.

But the outside is crunchy cocoa nutty. This is the way I like it. I like getting my full Madonna on.

I think it’s better to be your true and authentic self than a fake version for someone else.

How about you?

About Megan Matthieson: Megan is a Dancer. (Muse to Eliot Feld in New York) A writer. (Working on another draft of the book!) A new blogger. (idanceiwrite.com) A guest blogger, a Party Enthusiast, a Hollywood wife, and a Mother of three beautiful individuals. She loves to Connect and use the F bomb.

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Here’s the question of the day … are my mad video editing skillz up to making even a home movie about a camping trip to the KOA in Santa Cruz into something fun & interesting? Only you can tell …

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Sad that as moms we are not always united as sisters, but there can be a real division & resentment between the working moms and the stay at home moms.  Brought on by secret guilt (even for those moms who don’t believe it’s true) … these working moms feel guilty for not spending as much time with their kids, and these stay at home moms feel guilty for not bringing in money, or for abandoning their careers.  So, they accuse each other of being inadequate women/parents.

Of course, not all working moms or stay at home moms feel this way – most don’t, I’m sure.  Most of us are perfectly comfortable with each woman making her own choices, and mostly comfortable with our own choices, and we stay out of any nasty fights — and even support each other!  But there are a few outspoken women who assume their choices are the only "Right" choices for everyone.

But where do we fit in?  The work at home moms?  Or even my subset, the work at home moms who opt for part time childcare?  Am I in the stay at home camp, because I am at home?  Am I in the working camp, because I have a business? 

I find that I am in neither.  When I tried to find a play date group for me and Gracie, I did not fit in.  The stay at home moms didn’t understand why I had part time childcare or why I sometimes had a meeting.  The working moms wanted to do everything in the evenings or on the weekends, which I like to save for family time.  From both camps I would get a lot of "It Must Be Nice" statements — as if being self-employed just fell into my lap from the WAHM fairy.  I always felt weird.  Maybe that was just my problem … but I find that I fit in more online with other self-employed moms, than any mom groups around here in the offline world. 

Have you all had this problem?  Where do you fit — or do you also find that you are in a separate category?  Have you ever found a good playdate group? 

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Wow, that statement works on multiple levels. 

Last Friday my 2-year old somehow got a hold of my wallet-purse and decided to reorganize my credit cards and business cards.  In the process, she somehow misplaced my main personal credit card, and my personal check card.  She only had it for a few minutes, right next to me on the sofa, so you would think I would be able to find the cards. 

No.

I looked in the sofa cushions, moved the sofa and coffee table, and in her toy box.  The cleaning people even cleaned this room today, and did not find them. 

Yes, I called to get new cards … but it takes a week!  And, I realized that all my other personal credit cards are packed away (because I follow the rule of only one credit card at a time, which is a good rule, except for this problem), and I don’t feel like digging them out.   Today I went to Fed Ex, and had to write a check to send a package.  A check!  It’s been 10 years since I have paid for something at a store with a check!

Perhaps she tucked the cards away and is secretly buying toys and Dora movies?  Or she is bribing kids at preschool?  Buying stuff off the internet?

What will it be like when she is a teenager?! 

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We have a zillion advantages as parents in 2007 … running water, modern medicine, washing machines, the internet, women’s lib, inexpensive & high-quality food, no child labor, etc. But we have one distinct disadvantage. For the most part, we are physically isolated. In decades and century’s past, a women would not be a stay at home mom who took care of her kids 100% of the time. We lived across the way from our parents, next door to our sisters, down the lane from our grandparents. We shared in the care of each other’s children. Our kids grew up with older cousins and aunts and grandma’s taking care of them, as much if not more than their own parents. And, these were all people who LOVED our kids almost as much as we do. How were these other caregivers compensated? By us helping them with their needs, or watching their kids when they needed to get work done. And women have ALWAYS been working moms. Working doing the family chores (which before washing machines, ovens, and iceboxes, was a 10 hour a day job), on the farm, or behind the counter at the family business. Women have been teachers, nannies, business co-owners, cleaning women, and world leaders for centuries. But now we live miles (if not thousands of miles) away from our extended families. We don’t know our neighbors. We move so often we may not have local close friends. There’s no one who loves our kids as much as us, to take care of them. And, if we leave our kids with people we pay, like nannies or daycare, we feel guilty. As if we are wrong to delegate some of the care of our kids to someone else (especially if we PAY that person). As if we are supposed to, by ourselves, provide for 100% of the care of our kids, as well as taking care of the other needs of the family. And, since we are modern enlightened women, we are working at a job or running a business (or both), volunteering in the community, trying to be a good wife/friend/sister/aunt/daughter/neighbor, as well as take care of ourselves, working out, eating right, and reading books. No wonder we are tired. We need to give ourselves permission to ask for help. There is nothing wrong with paying for someone to help out with caring for your child, when you don’t have access to local family or friends. There is nothing wrong, or even NEW, with delegating some of that care to others so you can make money, fulfill your other responsibilities, or pursue your own interests. So ladies — ask for help! (and, stop feeling guilty … but that takes a bit more practice …)

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I seemed to have birthed a morning person. Which is generally fine with me, because I am a fellow morning person, up between 5:30 and 6:30 AM, without the aid of an alarm clock — and my most productive hours are typically in the morning. But 3:30 AM is ridiculous. This morning Gracie was ready to party at 3:30 AM. Should I just leave her screaming in her crib? Much more difficult to do now, that (1) she yells specific requests — "mommy" and "up" — instead of unspecific crying, and (2) I’m afraid it will finally occur to her that she could climb out of her crib (and I want her to stay there for a bit longer). Now that she can talk, I don’t feel like I am letting a blob-like baby cry it out — I feel like I am cruelly denying a human being what they need. I tried taking her to bed with us, which works if her need is mommy-cuddling. But, no, that just egged her on. Because this morning, what Gracie wanted was mommy-playing. She climbed over me, played with the covers, and tried her new trick of attempting to merge our faces together by pushing (not sure if that works in this space-time continuum). So I gave it up and turned on an Elmo DVD. Now, I’m not that upset about her being a moody toddler today, because that’s the nanny’s problem (she’s with Gracie from 8-2 today). But, I am working this morning, drafting a chapter for a book (due this Thursday), editing bylaws for a volunteer organization, and meeting with two new clients. I could have used a few more hours of sleep — but that is the side effect of having a toddler — the wonderful joys of having an unpredictable life. Perhaps Gracie is in training to start a new donut or coffee franchise. Fine, as long as I get a good cut of the IPO.

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I writing from the Hilton Los Angeles Airport, and my baby is back home in San Jose with daddy. I miss her. During the flight, and in the hotel, I keep seeing things I want to share with her, describe to her — and I am resisting the urge to babyproof the room. But life is incredibly more simple sans baby. For example — going through airport security. Instead of removing my shoes while chasing a toddler through the line (hoping she does not take off through the metal detector — what would they do, shut down the airport?) — going through security is calm and easy. Instead of entertaining a a baby on the floor of the terminal, I was part of regular civilization, sitting in a chair (!) and worked on a project while waiting for my flight. BTW — the project would have taken 60-90 minutes with Gracie around — at the airport, I got it done in 20 minutes. Everyone is so much simpler, not just because Gracie is a handful, but also because she requires so much Stuff — diaper bag, toys, car seat, stroller, milk (and getting that through security!). But I miss her. I woke up at 5 am because I thought I heard her crying. Instead of opening my eyes, I waited for the second cry — and realized I heard a plane taking off outside. Oh yeah, I’m in a hotel. The best benefit of traveling? Daddy, alone home with Gracie, learns to fully appreciate Mommy.

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My parents visited this week, from St. Louis, Missouri — great for Gracie, and actually very helpful for me. This month I do not have regular childcare, and am trying to run my business with just 1-2x week of backup daycare, and lots of television. Not optimal. So, Grandma and Papa watched Gracie on Tuesday while I wrote the handbook for Week 3 of my 8 Weeks teleseminar, and while I conducted Week 3 of session A (noon) and Week 1 of session B (8:00 PM). I felt slightly guilty for them to spend one day mostly babysitting, but actually it was a great chance for them to spend alone time with Gracie. By the end of the week, Gracie was calling them Grandma and Papa, and was totally comfortable hanging out with them when I was not around — success! I just wish Grandma and Papa lived around here — partially for the bonding, but also for the babysitting.

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Chaos. Having a child introduced a level of chaos into my life. No, I’m not talking about late night feedings or mountains of toys, I’m talking about childcare for Gracie.

All I am asking for is a reliable childcare situation that is stimulating and nurturing for my daughter, and easy and flexible for me. Is that too much to ask? Probably yes … even considering I am willing to pay $20/hour for a part-time nanny.

My regular nanny is on maternity leave (and yes, she says she is coming back in November), so this summer I am getting by with a women on summer vacation from her PhD program, combined with back up childcare through my husband’s work. Neither is predictable.

My summer nanny does a great job taking care of Gracie, and Gracie enjoys spending time with her — but she has gone on vacation, worked different days each week because of previous engagements, and has had conflicts on previously scheduled work days, including this Friday. She forgot that she has a conference she has already paid for, that she needs to attend for school. I already cancelled a luncheon I was planning to attend, but I am still trying to get backup childcare (through Mark’s work) so I can go to an appointment with my life planner — otherwise, I will have the appointment by telephone, with Gracie watching Dora the Explorer in the background. Not ideal.

Mark’s backup childcare is also a roll-of-the-dice. Every time I have signed Gracie up, we have been waitlisted. (is it a conspiracy? does anyone actually get a confirmed reservation?) Then, the night before, they call to say that a space has opened up, and ask if we still want it — every time we have been waitlisted, we have got this call. But, Gracie does enjoy herself there — she gets to play with other toddlers her age, and hang out with other adults, play with different toys, etc. The last time I dropped her off, instead of crying, she sat down to color, looked up at me, and said “bye bye.” Ah, I am already not needed, my daughter is already an Independent Woman.

This childcare issue is a big problem for me with my business, because I schedule client appointments up to 60 days in advance, and now I am launching teleseminar programs, that are scheduled out 90+ days ahead. So, when childcare falls through, what do I do about these appointments and seminars?

Even more difficult since we don’t have family here (Mark’s are in LA, and mine are in St. Louis, MO), so there is no ultimate-backup-babysitting of retired grandparents or stay-at-home aunts or uncles.

But as much as I complain, I have had great luck with finding quality childcare for Gracie. She loves Sarah (her main nanny), Jessica (her summer nanny), and the women at backup daycare. We have never had any nightmare problems that you hear about on the news, and I am thankful.

I wish I could have control and predictability over my schedule. But if I had wanted that, I should not have had a kid.

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When Gracie was an infant, she did not like those Baby Einstein DVDs at all. I was jealous of moms who could plop their babies in front of the TV for 20 minutes, so they could cook dinner or take a shower. Not my baby, she was too active-needy-attached.

But a few weeks ago, I turned on Sesame Street and Gracie was interested. Two episodes later, she asked for Elmo. I thought, wonderful! I can write a few emails, take a shower, or have a telephone conversation while Gracie is amused by something for 20 minutes.

Now she asks for it. Begs. If the TV cabinet is open, she starts pleading “Elmo” or “Dora” in that cute little baby girl voice. Oh, so tempting for me. She is busy for four DVD episodes, and I actually get a break.

But am I a horrible person for letting Gracie watch TV at age 17 months? Now, she only watches Elmo and Dora — both pretty educational type shows, and Dora is very engaging (asking the viewer to stand up, dance, answer questions). Gracie now knows how to dance (mostly spinning, shaking her elbows and clapping, very cute in a bizzare, manic way) and say the words “backpack” and “map” upon demand by Dora. Another odd thing is that Gracie actually stands in front of the TV for the entire show, so I am not worried about a couch potato effect.

Of course, the childhood development powers-that-be say that no one under age 2 needs to be watching TV. But no one under age 2 needs to eat ice cream either, and I don’t feel guilty about letting Gracie have some of my scoop, once a month.

I guess that’s my answer — balance. Moderation. “They” can’t say TV is okay because people might plop their kids there for 14 hours a day — but 30 minutes or an hour is okay. And, these programs do have some educational value, and a bit of harmless entertainment. Just don’t let the DVD repeat on autoplay, hour after hour.

Except when I’m really, really, tired. Besides, it’s not like I’m letting her play in traffic.

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