Lots happened this week – less about the stuff I did (even though I did start the INFJ Facebook Group which is awesome!) but more about what I learned.

(I’m also having compassion for myself, for the fact that the lighting on this video is terrible. Sorry/lol.)

Related posts:

1. Harry Potter, Brownies, and the Bitch in the Corner
2. Life, Certainty, and Turning 37 on Facebook.
3. EveryDay4: Burnout, Compartmentalization, and My Lighting is Messed Up

Yes, as I wrote in my last blog post, I have many unfinshededs that need to be closed before I have the space for next.

But that wasn’t the reason I flipped out and had to give myself a time out in my bathroom yesterday afternoon so I wouldn’t scream at my kid for doing nothing wrong besides being a little kid.

As an INFJ, I like certainty.

I need things to be known, to be decided.

Even to the point where I don’t care what the decision is – which apartment I’m living in or where we’re going to eat or what’s the price of the new program – as long as the choice is behind us and we can move forward.

(Yes, the adventurous, scared-of-being-bored person in me is turned on by being surprised and off balance. And that’s kind of inconsistent with what I just said. Sigh. I’m such a confusing person to be.)

Right now I have So Many Undecideds.

What format will I use for the 18 Days to Live Your Truth sales page, will I bring my kid to WDS in Portland, will I go back to school and will it be for a Masters or PhD and when would that be, do I ever want to live w/ a man again, what’s the long term big picture for LYT/EPW, what car loan should I get, should I rent a 2BD or a 3BD apartment, which rental management company should I hire, should I get the Civic LX or EX, should I switch to a new bank, should I switch website layouts, how should I design my new header & graphics, what after school programs should G do in the fall, where should I workout after I move. Etc. Etc.

But when I was worrying about it this morning I didn’t have an actual list.

All those undecideds were just amorphous whorls in my head, pinging me in the shower, pinching me on the bus and keeping me from relaxing or being gracious or writing as myself.

So I did the only thing possible when plagued by whorling.

I wrote it down.

Made a list of everything undecided.

And made a decision about each one.

Deciding the thing right now, or deciding what info I need so I could decide, or picking a date to make the decision (for things that are not a high priority or can only happen after something else is finished/started).

::deep breath, relaxing in my coffee house chair::

Ah. Decided.

I feel so much better.

–

Do you have tons of stuff pending in your life? Major decisions you’ve been putting off or you have not finalized yet? What do you need to make the decision? What’s stopping you?

I’d love to hear from you below!

No related posts.

But things have changed.

Or … I’ve learned more about myself, what I need, what works for me & Gracie, and what doesn’t work for us …

So we’re leaving San Francisco. And here’s why.

So what do you think about where you live and how it affects you?

Are you a good energetic match for your location? Do you have more energy in the big city, a small city, the suburbs, the country? What do you do if you’re suffering a mis-match?

I’d love to hear your thoughts & feedback below!

Related posts:

1. First Tour of My New San Francisco Apartment!
2. Leaving Baby at Home with Daddy
3. The Real Reason I’m Moving to San Francisco

Haven’t left since I went and saw Harry Potter at the 9:45 am showing on Thanksgiving Day.

Not even to check my mail. Not to Peet’s for coffee. Not to run to the corner store for more Diet Dr. Pepper.

I’ve been playing marathon sessions of Civilization V. Re-reading Mercedes Lackey paperbacks about magic and gryphons and horses that talk in your head. Taking my morning shower after noon, wearing glasses all day, sitting on the sofa, petting the cat.

Hermiting up.

Completely content. Peaceful. Relaxed. Balanced.

Feeling strangely not-insane.

Feeling normalized.

For the first time in … I can’t remember. Years.

Before the Moment. Before I decided to live my truth. Before I changed everything in my business. Before I started speaking my truth. Before I separated from my (now) ex-husband. Before my daughter was burned. Before I moved to San Francisco. Before I went without child care. Before my daughter was sick for months with no diagnosis. Before my daughter was operated for a brain tumor. Before she started her new school.

Before.

These last 18 months have been epically stressful for me.

Any of those things – restarting a business, divorce, child hospitalized, moving, brain tumor – would be enough to cause major drain of energy, a depleting of resources. But all of them at once? Major clusterfark.

What I expect of myself, the unreasonable standards I hold myself to, I would not force out of my enemy, much less someone I love.

So I’m incorporating new standards.

Gentle, loving standards.

Less demands. Fewer self-judgements. Releasing of guilt.

More space. Lots of alone time. The indulgement in lovely nothings.

On a journey to a different way of arranging my life, inventing something that works for the INFJ / HSP / feminine energy / nerdy / living my truth girl that I am.

God, I feel better already.

—

I’d love to hear from you!

How much alone time do you need? What completely useless nothings do you do that chill you out, normalize you, fill your energy back up? Do you give yourself what you need, or judge yourself for not doing something productive?

Related posts:

1. Things That Don’t Suck
2. Am I doing it for her … or am I doing it for me?
3. 5 Prompts to Indulge in the Perfect Self Care Day

Someone who is comfortable in front of an audience. A group. A camera.

Who can connect with people, talk to anyone, convey a message. Even occasionally create a little scared space for transformation to occur.

Until Sunday morning.

When I realized that all my lofty considerations were just hiding a deeper level of bullshit.

It was 10:15 AM on Sunday morning, and I stood in front of the group and announced, “I want to talk about how I’m freaking out.”

It was one of those “share your ah’a moments from last night” things at a training seminar, and after about 7 other people had gone, it was my turn at the microphone.

I’m usually one of those people, who sits in the front row, who shares over and over, who everyone knows by the end of the weekend.

But not this weekend.

I had been hiding.

Behind the tall girl, stuck in the middle, in the back rows, not raising my hand, thinking about leaving, hiding in the bathroom, eating room service for dinner, thinking that perhaps this was a bit too much for me, listing the thousand reasons I didn’t have time and it was not a good idea and maybe I should wait until next year.

As I stood there in front of the group, I decided to fuck it all and tell the whole truth.

The whole truth I didn’t even know yet, until it started blabbering out of my mouth.

I was afraid.

I had got really comfortable hiding in front of the camera.

The idea of sharing my truth with people face to face, with projecting my energy out to everyone, completely freaked me out.

Then Alison (the seminar leader) interrupted me. And said it.

“Look at them.”

“Don’t look at me. Don’t look over their heads. Look. At. Them.”

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t look at anyone in the face and keep speaking my truth.

I broke down and cried, right there, in front of audience, listening that little “awh” noise welling up from them, making me feel comforted and mortified at the same time.

WTF EPW?!!

I’m a speaker! I’ve spoken in front of groups of hundreds of people! Why was I unable to stay composed before an intimate group of 100 people who were all rooting for me to succeed?

Because …

There Is No Group.

The group, the tribe, the crowd, the audience … doesn’t exist.

That’s just a construction, a way to dehumanize, a way to oversimplify, a way to categorize, a way to create an artifice of safety for those of us up on the stage.

The group doesn’t scare me.

Individuals scare me. People scare me.

While yes, I’m totally able to speak my truth, be myself, share all kinds of information and stories, while in front of a camera or written on a blog or up on a stage …

I share nothing.

I risk nothing. I reveal nothing.

The energy of me stops at the edge of my skin.

At the front of the stage. At the keys on the laptop. At the lens of my camera.

The apparent courage and fearlessness and strength … is a shell.

Because the strength comes from hiding. Protecting. Shielding.

Not from allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of people whom I do not yet trust.

Not from taking a leap of faith, letting the unknowns see my soul, opening myself up to rejection and criticism and damage from people unprescreened, unverified, unresearched.

And a part of me is completely convinced that I will spontaneously die from it.

Just drop dead from energetic overwhelm. While still holding the microphone.

So that’s one of the boundaries I’m working on right now.

Making the leap from hiding in front of the camera, to exposing my soul face to face, sharing and extending my energy over the interwebz, the soundsystem, the coffee table.

And let’s all hope I don’t spontaneously combust.

–

I’d love to hear from you!

What are you afraid of? Speaking in front of a group, writing your truth, the camera, speaking with people one-on-one? What boundary are you pushing right now?

Related posts:

1. What Do You Do In a Mastermind Group?
2. My Mastermind Group Reins Me In
3. Where Anger Lives.