Elizabeth Potts Weinstein » divorce

The Truth I’m Not Speaking (Updated)

Elizabeth Potts Weinstein — Mon, 31 May 2010 08:38:39 +0000

(btw, I updated this post upon the light of day and an important skype conversation.)

One week from today is the anniversary of me deciding to live my truth.

As I reflect on that journey over the last year, on what I’m writing and creating and my role in bringing this work to the world, I realized what’s been nagging me the last few months.

I’m not speaking the cutting edge of my personal exploration of my truth.

I created boundaries in the speaking of my truth that are meant to protect the sacred. To free me to explore relationships and care for my loved ones, in a place protected from examination from the outside world, so we have the space to be 100% ourselves.

I am still committed to providing that safe place for those people in my life.

But I’m not hiding out there anymore.

So here’s tonight’s confession that freaks me out to come out and say.

I’ve never been sure about monogamy.

Now, I’m all about serial monogamy.

I know I’m not built to sleep with more than one man at a time. I’ve never cheated in a relationship (which, in shock to me, is apparently a rare thing). Even in a casual dating or best-friends-with-benefits relationship, I get all dramafied if I have more than one going on. That’s where my most crazy comes from.

I’m everything or nothing.

What I’ve never been sure about is this forever thing.

Is it possible for two dynamic, ever-changing, self-aware people to grow together for the rest of their lives?

To stay together without falling into mediocrity, without one person (or both) compromising their truth, their growth, just to stay on the journey with the other?

Yes, maybe I feel this way because I’m recently divorced, and so many of my closest friends are either single-never-married, recently divorced or having marital problems.

Yes, maybe I feel this way because I’m in a radically high-growth, discovering my truth place in my life, and I’ll start evening out eventually.

Yes, maybe I feel this way because I haven’t recognized the guy for me yet.

But the thing is, I’ve always thought forever was bizarre.

When I was a little girl, regardless of the goals of my barbie dolls, I never dreamed about a country club wedding.

I’ve had many long term boyfriends, but I didn’t plan on marrying any of them. For me, at least, it was about spending time together and learning from each other, until our time was up.

I don’t expect to have the exact same best friends for the rest of my life – our friendships will evolve as we grow, as our life situations change. Some best friends morph into close friends. New people appear so we can learn and grow from each other.

But somehow I’m supposed to be with just one man?

Is it possible for a man to see the real truth of who I am, the woman I am evolving into, something I don’t even quite understand yet myself?

Is it possible for me to know if I’m capable of fulfilling everything a man needs from his partner, for the rest of his life?

Is forever just another cultural “should” that I don’t have to buy into?

Or … am I just being chicken shit?

Is being completely vulnerable, taking that ultimate risk of letting another human all the way in, past that last wall that has always stayed up …

… is that the pushing of my boundaries I must do to discover my truth?

Is the potential of forever a necessary step in the evolution of my soul?

#thingsthatwillbecontinued #obviously

—-

Update –> P.S. This post was written at 1 AM. And it was exactly how I felt at the time, and how I’ve been feeling for years.

But it’s not exactly the truth.

This morning my resident caller of bullshit Ken Moorhead skyped me his reaction to this post.

And he was right.

This post is how I feel, but it’s a lie. A lie I’m telling to myself.

I’m scared of getting my heart broken over and over, broken in that profound way that only happens if you’re looking for forever.

It’s much easier to lose faith, to hide behind “forever is not reasonable” – than to open myself up to receive what might be possible.

And be disappointed.

As I read this post, I realize that my soul did not write it – it was written by that chickenshit part of me who wants to keep me small & safe.

So, fuck all that.

The truth is I do want forever.

Eventually. Even though I really can’t deal with it right now. The truth is I do believe it’s possible.

And the truth is that I’m willing to do the work and take the risks to find it. Or be open to it finding me.

#thatisall

The Truth About Vegas, or What I Did in 2009

Elizabeth Potts Weinstein — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 01:47:24 +0000

I woke, sat straight up in bed, in tears, knowing in my bones that this was the moment.

And I thought: “oh, fuck it.”

The moment was at 5:30 AM in a hotel room in Caesar’s Palace on Saturday, June 6, 2009.

I came to Las Vegas for a big “find your life purpose” event to connect with people. Thinking, I already *know* my life purpose (ha!), but I’m sure to learn something from being around all those people trying to figure out their lives.

I was also going to Scott Stratten’s Monster Vegas Tweetup that Saturday night. Back then I never would have flown into Vegas just for a tweetup (wow, how times have changed!) but since I was in town anyway, it made sense to also take those social media relationships to the next level.

So I was in Vegas for the networking.

Or so I thought.

But wait a minute. Before I can tell you the rest of the story of Vegas, you need to understand where I had already been.

About 6 years prior, I quit the last job I will ever have (an attorney in Big Law) to start a financial & estate planning business.

I had some success from marketing with google adwords and a write up in the local paper (hey, it was 2004, that stuff still worked!).

Got married. Had a baby.

Got bored.

Discovered coaching and personal development and The Secret. Discovered internet marketing and information products and seminars. Spent tens of thousands of dollars learning everything there was to learn, every bright shiny object and magic pill and system and secret and mastermind that was going to revolutionize my business. And my life.

But (as you can guess), nothing worked.

Then in April 2008 I made the first real decisions.

To stop waiting for life to start. To pull Gracie out of preschool. To close my financial & estate planning practice to do something else. To travel. To be sexy just as I am.

And those decisions got results. I lost 35 pounds. Reconnected with my daughter. Launched a new website. Did some live speaking gigs. Had some fun.

But the whole thing wasn’t clicking.

No matter how hard I worked, no matter how many information products and programs and events and masterminds and coaches and books and social networks I read/did/hired/saw … my business was falling apart.

Making less money that it had ever made. Nothing I launched really sold. Even though I followed all the systems, wrote the copy just as they said, nothing made me profitable. Total #businessfail

And, my marriage was falling apart.

Or, I should say, my marriage had fallen apart.

I faced the truth on the day in April 2009 when my 4 year old daughter said: “Mommy, I don’t think Daddy loves you anymore.”

And I burst into tears. Because I knew she was right.

Spent the next 2 days crying (yes, mortifyingly, in front of my daughter). Not because he didn’t love me or because I didn’t love him. That was obvious. And had happened years before, involving unresolvable dealbreakers on both sides.

But because for the first time in years I imagined being alone.

Having to get an apartment. Pay for all my own stuff. Solve all my own problems. Figure out who I was without reference to another person.

I was seriously afraid I would be homeless or have to move in with my parents or, worst case, have to shut down my business & go get a job.

So I spent the next 2 months trying. Being super nice & supportive & helpful. Planning date nights. Strategizing seductions. All to nothing. Total and complete #marriagefail

And then I went to Vegas.

As I’ve said before, something happens to me in Vegas. The state of that city, of the people living in an alternative reality on the strip, is indescribable. I’m out of my normal routine. Every person, object, energy is different. Jarring.

Vegas stirs me up.

For 2 days in that room of people figuring out their Life Purpose, I heard over and over again that you have to “step into” your purpose. You have to made the decision.

And I thought, “god damnit, didn’t I already do this? I spent money! I invested in myself! I made decisions, didn’t I?”

But no, I hadn’t. Or, I hadn’t make the decisions that were important to my journey.

Because the decisions were not about spending the money.

The decisions were about what I was willing to do.

Who I was willing to be. What I was willing to risk.

For those 3 days I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I was barely able to have functional networking conversations and kept retreating to hide in my hotel room.

Because I knew.

I knew that this was it. I was either going to make the big choice, or chicken out. Maybe forever.

And then on Saturday morning I woke up at 5:30 am and sat straight up in and declared aloud to the universe and my empty hotel room my three decisions:

1 – I was going to be okay if I got divorced.

I had to trust myself. I faintly remembered that I was someone before I got married. I decided that I would be capable of paying the bills and handing my life, alone. Or, I had to find out if I was capable. And the only way to find out, was to do it.

2 – I was willing to be uncomfortable.

To take the action in my business, and life, that made me nervous. Scared. Out of my element. Make the phone calls to fancy people. Be a coach even though I never went to coaching school. Say what everyone was thinking and no one was saying. And not just once … that I was willing to be uncomfortable every day. Make “being uncomfortable” a way of life.

3 – I would step forward as a leader.

Stop waiting for someone to tell me what to do, what action to take, how to make it work. Stop looking for mentors and guru’s to follow. Stop waiting for magical fairies to come down and give me a degree in blogging or living life. Take a stand for my community. Step forward to fill the void.

And then I left that hotel room, forever shifted.

Ended up at the tweetup that night. For those who already had met me in person, they said I was funny. Relaxed. A different person.

But I wasn’t a different person. For the first time in almost 10 years, I was myself.

More happened that night in Vegas. Met amazing people who later became some of the best, most real friends I have ever had. Drank an uncountable number of margaritas. Recorded epic video interviews. Dirty danced on the dance floor of The Bank. Walked barefoot through the Bellagio.

But it was that 5:30 AM moment that changed my entire life.

So in this “what I did in 2009″ post I could also tell you all about all of the other awesomenesses of my year.

Reinventing my entire business. Launching Tell Me More and The Live Your Truth Project and 6 Weeks to Live Your Truth Program and 4 Weeks to Video. Getting divorced. Posting insanely brave video blogs. Deciding I must be open to falling in love again. Going with the flow. Appreciating men. Going to Vegas (again, and again) and New York City. Hosting my first (and second) tweetup. Burning bridges. Embracing my femininity. Planning a New Year’s Eve trip to NYC. Getting more than 100 comments on a blog post. Deciding to move to San Diego. Deciding to be crazy. Planning for an adventure in Austin. Deciding to move to San Francisco. Taking care of my daughter in the hospital for 10 days. Deciding to be 100% myself, 100% of the time.

But all those amazing things came from that one moment.

And that is life. Everything you are today, every terribleness and amazingness and profoundness that you are today, comes from one moment.

One choice.

Yes. No. Today. Never again. Fuck it.

So what did you do in 2009?

When was your moment? What decision did you make? Who did you decide to be?

(psst … it’s not too late. it’s never too late. you can still make your choice. you can still decide who to be. today.)

Ramifications of a Transparent Life

Elizabeth Potts Weinstein — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 09:34:01 +0000

Yesterday I tweeted: “transparency is a profound freedom”

… meaning that sharing all the good & bad of our lives, dropping the mythological veil of privacy, releases us from having to hide.

So we can become truly free.

And this tweet got a bunch of affirmatives and hell yeahs! and retweets.

Because transparency sounds romantic.

Uplifting. Interesting. Powerful. Like living your life in the open, tweeting, facebooking, blogging your truth for the entire world to read is a way to a life of effortless attraction & flow.

But that’s bullsh*t.

Because sometimes, transparency freaking sucks.

Last summer, when I started my adventures in living my truth, I began by speaking the truth about business. What’s really going on in internet & information marketing. The truth of what’s happening behind the scenes, the lies that have been sold, the backchannel discussions that needed to be brought out into the live conversation.

And then I was hit in the face that I was speaking only one part of my truth.

Because during that same summer, my then-husband and I separated & decided to divorce.

And not sharing that story felt dissonant with the rest of my message.

And that dissonance was devouring me.

So after sharing with my then-husband how much it meant to me to be able to share my story (and that it would be my story, not the story of the relationship or a reflection upon him), I got his go-head for making the “Divorce Is Weird” video.

What a relief.

Now here I am again, 6 months later, with that same feeling that I’m out of resonance.

That while I’ve been kicking butt in blog posts about bullsh*t in business & committing to be a crazy person, I omitted part of the story.

And speaking only part of the truth … well, for me, that feels like a lie.

So here’s the whole truth about truth.

It’s easy to speak the truth to the people in my tribe. I’m preaching to the choir. You are either already thinking the same thoughts, or identify enough with my underlying message that while you may make difference choices in your life, you wholeheartedly support mine.

And, it’s somewhat easy to speak the truth to people who are totally & completely on the outside of my life. People who can excommunicate themselves when they don’t agree. People who can leave a snippy tweet or blog comment as they leave, but once gone, never come back to face me. The trolls I can (somewhat) easily dismiss.

The test comes with the third category.

People who have the ability to make my life suck if they don’t like what I have to say. People who may get hurt. People whose opinions I think I should care about. People who knew a version of me, and don’t understand what I have “turned” into.

That is where transparency gets messy.

And with them, I constantly, constantly!, chicken out on speaking my whole truth.

I could say it is because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

But that’s just another level of bullsh*t.

Because really, what I’m worried about is me.

I don’t want to have anyone think that I’m a bad person. I don’t want to lose anyone that I love. I don’t want to be uncomfortable.

And I would much prefer to jump out of a freaking plane than negotiate that particular kind of conflict.

Which brings us to today’s story.

In two weeks, I’m going on another one of my multi-location trips to both San Diego & Austin, Texas. Driving down to San Diego to finalize an apartment for the January move to San Diego, and then flying out from there to Austin to go on a crazy yet-to-be-determined adventure with my friend @CouchSurfingOri.

And since I’m also a mom, one of the first steps on any such trip is to arrange custody & childcare of my daughter with my former husband.

But instead of sharing what I’m doing & asking my former husband for his help, I just told him that I’m going on a trip and he gets our daughter for 5 days.

Because the idea of letting him in on who I really am feels like an epic risk.

Now some of this is completely unreasonable on my part. While he is not going to understand why or what I am doing, he does want me to be happy (if for no other reason than that the mother of his child being happy will increase the likelihood of his daughter being happy).

He’s not a bad guy, by any means. And he knows I no longer need his permission (if I ever did) to find an apartment or go on an adventure.

And of course, since I will be posting the whole time, the truth of my trip will out. He will find out what I’m doing. Well, at least if he checks my twitter feed.

But the idea of him knowing who I really am puts me on the defensive.

Remembering all the ways I sucked at being married to him. All the choices I made over the last 9 years that were inconsistent with myself. How the person I thought I “should” be and was trying to be for years was, in some ways, polar opposite to who I am today (and who, fundamentally, I always was). How much power he has to make my life suck if he wanted to fight me for custody of our daughter.

And here we come to the real choice.

Transparency, living my truth, speaking the things that everyone thinks but no one says, is not just for when it is sexy and controversial and fun.

It’s also for when people may find out the truth they were not expecting. When there’s something to be lost. When people may leave.

Living a transparent life is everything. Or, it’s nothing.

Now I understand that for some of you, you have chosen to draw the line in a different place. You only are transparent about your business. Or you don’t share information about your children. Because of personal belief systems. Privacy concerns. Legal issues.

But for some, yet unknown reason, I’m incapable of drawing a line and still have it be my truth.

For me, it must be 100% all in or I can’t play the game.

And damnit, that freaking sucks.

#thatisall

Not only was this post inspired by today’s events, it was also inspired by my BFF Allison Nazarian’s post The Truth About The Truth and CouchSurfingOri’s post No more dancing…. (re the side effects of having a transparent life).

So how’s transparency working for you? Is there only one “right” way to be transparent? Where do you draw the line?

Divorce is Weird.

Elizabeth Potts Weinstein — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 22:42:22 +0000

In my last video, Goals Suck, I shared my process of “being” each day — two of those states of being for me are “Being Real” and “Being Uncomfortable.”

So in the interest of Being Real and Being Uncomfortable, here’s the truth of what’s going on w/ me right now. Cause everything is not all rocking-out and super-cool all the time … sometimes, it’s confusing, stressful, crappy, and weird.

Oh, and by the way, you also hereby have permission to not be happy all of the time too.