The Truth I’m Not Speaking (Updated)

31. May, 2010 Categories: Living Your Truth by Elizabeth Potts Weinstein View Comments

(btw, I updated this post upon the light of day and an important skype conversation.)

One week from today is the anniversary of me deciding to live my truth.

As I reflect on that journey over the last year, on what I’m writing and creating and my role in bringing this work to the world, I realized what’s been nagging me the last few months.

I’m not speaking the cutting edge of my personal exploration of my truth.

I created boundaries in the speaking of my truth that are meant to protect the sacred. To free me to explore relationships and care for my loved ones, in a place protected from examination from the outside world, so we have the space to be 100% ourselves.

I am still committed to providing that safe place for those people in my life.

But I’m not hiding out there anymore.

So here’s tonight’s confession that freaks me out to come out and say.

I’ve never been sure about monogamy.

Now, I’m all about serial monogamy.

I know I’m not built to sleep with more than one man at a time. I’ve never cheated in a relationship (which, in shock to me, is apparently a rare thing). Even in a casual dating or best-friends-with-benefits relationship, I get all dramafied if I have more than one going on. That’s where my most crazy comes from.

I’m everything or nothing.

What I’ve never been sure about is this forever thing.

Is it possible for two dynamic, ever-changing, self-aware people to grow together for the rest of their lives?

To stay together without falling into mediocrity, without one person (or both) compromising their truth, their growth, just to stay on the journey with the other?

Yes, maybe I feel this way because I’m recently divorced, and so many of my closest friends are either single-never-married, recently divorced or having marital problems.

Yes, maybe I feel this way because I’m in a radically high-growth, discovering my truth place in my life, and I’ll start evening out eventually.

Yes, maybe I feel this way because I haven’t recognized the guy for me yet.

But the thing is, I’ve always thought forever was bizarre.

When I was a little girl, regardless of the goals of my barbie dolls, I never dreamed about a country club wedding.

I’ve had many long term boyfriends, but I didn’t plan on marrying any of them. For me, at least, it was about spending time together and learning from each other, until our time was up.

I don’t expect to have the exact same best friends for the rest of my life – our friendships will evolve as we grow, as our life situations change. Some best friends morph into close friends. New people appear so we can learn and grow from each other.

But somehow I’m supposed to be with just one man?

Is it possible for a man to see the real truth of who I am, the woman I am evolving into, something I don’t even quite understand yet myself?

Is it possible for me to know if I’m capable of fulfilling everything a man needs from his partner, for the rest of his life?

Is forever just another cultural “should” that I don’t have to buy into?

Or … am I just being chicken shit?

Is being completely vulnerable, taking that ultimate risk of letting another human all the way in, past that last wall that has always stayed up …

… is that the pushing of my boundaries I must do to discover my truth?

Is the potential of forever a necessary step in the evolution of my soul?

#thingsthatwillbecontinued #obviously

—-

Update –> P.S. This post was written at 1 AM. And it was exactly how I felt at the time, and how I’ve been feeling for years.

But it’s not exactly the truth.

This morning my resident caller of bullshit Ken Moorhead skyped me his reaction to this post.

And he was right.

This post is how I feel, but it’s a lie. A lie I’m telling to myself.

I’m scared of getting my heart broken over and over, broken in that profound way that only happens if you’re looking for forever.

It’s much easier to lose faith, to hide behind “forever is not reasonable” – than to open myself up to receive what might be possible.

And be disappointed.

As I read this post, I realize that my soul did not write it – it was written by that chickenshit part of me who wants to keep me small & safe.

So, fuck all that.

The truth is I do want forever.

Eventually. Even though I really can’t deal with it right now. The truth is I do believe it’s possible.

And the truth is that I’m willing to do the work and take the risks to find it. Or be open to it finding me.

#thatisall

Related posts:

  1. Speaking, Bullsh*t, and Billionaires: Post-#Shine Wrap Up pt 2
  2. The Truth About Vegas, or What I Did in 2009
  3. Live Your Truth in Every Season of Life
  4. The Bulldog Lie (Or, My First Moment Of Truth)
  5. Do You Deserve to Live your Truth?

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  • Why does this question have to have a black-and-white answer? Our beliefs and values today change over time. Perhaps a life commitment isn't in your DNA at the moment -- that doesn't mean it can't be there five years from now. There's nothing chickenscratch about speaking your truth as it is today -- you just aren't sure about "forever" relationships with a single partner.

    Relax. Close your eyes. Breathe. Be aware that where you are right now is not your final destination.
  • I realize I'm late in chiming in here, EPW, but I'm really in synch with your original post. While the updated version holds merit for a possibility too, the points you made about being able to continue to grow, to continue to live YOUR truth, not his, are valid and what I believe too. I say this because of what you say (and I agree with too) about best friends evolving, and how those relationships shift accordingly. Why, then, if a man is your best friend, life partner, or marriage partner wouldn't the same theory hold true. Perhaps it's the word monogamy that trips us up. Being with those who see me for who I am and honor me being just me unconditionally while living my BEST life. I don't believe in Forever either. I believe in today. Just today. LOVE how you bring up these topics for discourse! Great stuff and YOU are too.
  • This makes sense. Who really wants to admit they don't want to be hurt again? Have you considered that for now as you have just gotten out of marriage, and going through a personal growth time, that perhaps right now "forever" may not be where YOU are at right now. Maybe this is time to get to know YOU without all the relationship stuff. When the time is right, I think you will find your forever.
  • Forever is possible. Anything is possible. You just have to decide what you want in your life and NEVER lose the faith that you can make it happen. Some people have wonderful forever relationships. Some don't. You choose which camp you want to be in. Become a researcher - what are the traits, behaviours and habits of those with successful forever relationships.
    I used to think I would never find a forever relationship. Then I realised it was my limiting beliefs that were created my reality. Limiting belief changed - reality changed. I stopped looking and just got busy living. Hubby turned up when I least expected it. We are now 12 years on and I can honestly say the relationship is deeper now than it has ever been. I have discovered that growing together is a choice.
    You become what you surround yourself with - surround yourself with the forever brigade.
    Avoid the dream stealers - their opinions are based on their own limiting beliefs and experiences.
    Hold the dream.
  • woohoo baby! you ROCK!!!!

    i have dedicated my life, as you know, to supporting women as they make these really hard decisions and come to terms with their TRUTH and navigate the choppy waters during and after divorce.

    having been there myself, i know EXACTLY what you are writing about....and, i spent about four years after my divorce "exploring" all kinds of men and relationships so that i could define with confidence what my "ideal" relationship would be! each date, experience and journey got me closer to what i truly wanted. i gained such clarity on what i wanted it to look, feel and be like, that i was absolutely ready when he entered my life.

    like you, i am not sure how i feel about "forever" or that walking down an aisle makes it "meant to be"....but i do know that i want to spend the forseable forever with my partner.

    we are together almost three years, i never imagined this is the man i would end up with or that i could experience such romantic bliss.

    it was a hard and long road to get to today, even with him. you know...two ex-spouses, four kids, two jobs, a business and a dog between us...not easy to keep everyone happy! but, i am having the time of my life.

    and guess what, we have absolutely no plan for marriage but are committed in a way that i have never felt!

    you have faced your fear and you are doing it anyway...you are NOW ready!

    i am here for you, as i am for all women (and men) who want to face their truth and enormous courage it takes to love blindly and deeply! a huge risk, but the even greater return!

    you ROCK elizabeth and i am proud to know such a brave, bold and beautiful woman!
  • I've been there. However, 7 years ago I found someone that changed my mind. Someone that is worth the work and risk... someone that thinks I'm worth the work and risk too. Here's to finding your truth... whether It's a solo or a dynamic duo.
  • MissMandie
    I want to echo the sentiments made by @jackie walker (Loving with an open heart in the moment is the only time you are given), @allison kramer (Today is what we have. If you spend today where you want to be, forever just happens) and @sally g (Forever is a concept that lifts us out of the only moment in time that truly exists ... and that is NOW).

    I agree with them - thinking about forever is a projection of thought into the future and it detaches us from the present moment. To give fully and openly to another human being in the only moment we have is the most beautiful gift we can share with one another. The openness of this sharing is made even more amazing when we can sit with the concept that we don't know how long its going to last. We can have all the positive intentions in the world for it to last our lifetime but the truth is, we will never, ever have a way of knowing what will happen. Loving and giving and sharing in spite of that is what transcends our relationships into the soulful experiences they all have the opportunity of being.

    I, too, am divorced with a post-divorce heartbreak notched up. Having spent an incredible amount of time reflecting and "working on my stuff", I am growing into the person I want to be in order to attract the type of person I want to journey with next. One thing I have noticed, is that watching my life unfold is made all the more easier without thinking about the abstract concepts of "time" (e.g. when will I meet him? how long is it going to last?). Yep, it comes back to that whole "lovin' the present moment".
  • "The openness of this sharing is made even more amazing when we can sit with the concept that we don't know how long its going to last." <-- yes, taking that risk with another human being creates a delicious, amazing space to share with them.
  • Perri Jackson
    This is a difficult subject for some of us - if not all of us - so thanks for being brave enough to examine it honestly and in the open. Like Sue Anne, my point is that I honestly believe a forever commitment is possible. But for me, using phrases like 'drifting apart' and 'growing in different directions' in conjunction with this discussion is a piece of untruth - anathema to your whole philosophy.
    Drift is partially defined as aimless, so it connotes a lack of intention in the first place. Not even plants 'grow apart' - they grow toward the sun or are branches of a connected trunk or root system - they may find their own way to the sun, but stay connected to maintain life. They only diverge completely if a limb is actively cut off or breaks. That one just feels like double-speak to me.
    Both phrases have at their hearts the notion of being hopelessly and completely at the mercy of forces outside of ourselves. Seems to me that embracing them as being acceptable descriptors or explanation for a less than optimal relationship is to deny the concept of living in truth with ourselves.

    It may not be possible for anyone else to give any credence to what is said here without 'truth credentials', so here are mine in a nutshell:
    I've been married twice - once at 16 and then again finally at 28 after 7 years single with two kids. We'll be celebrating 25 years together this year - 24 of them married. From the get-go, we discussed very openly with one another that both of us had been deeply emotionally hurt, that we both felt 'flawed' and questioned being capable of having a lasting, meaningful relationship.
    'Forever' was definitely a goal for both of us - but approaching forever realistically, with a clear notion that a successful marriage is one of the two most perfect expressions of a well-drafted contract - contracts with benefits. :^D I'll admit we've had some rocky times, even got an arbiter at one point! But those times only happened when we 'drifted' from our initial commitment to openness. BTW - have you noticed that you can only 'drift' (apart or otherwise) when you don't have a clear goal or pay attention to staying on course?
    Who isn't down for lazing on a river in an inner tube in the sunshine - it feels damn good! But if it heads for dangerous water - I'm freakin' paddling like hell!

    Good contracts are re-negotiated periodically if the need arises - but honest folks try to live up to their contractual obligations *through the whole term of the contract*!
    What they *don't* do is enter into it with the thought process that when it doesn't work for them, they can/will break it.
    I'm not saying stay in a bad relationship of marriage - my first marriage was toxic, and I got the f**k out - even though I felt like a f**king failure for a while. I'm saying be sure you are *truly* willing to work at it - because if you enter it with the thought of it being in any way temporary - here is the kicker - that shit is a self-fulfilling prophesy!!!!!! I've seen it happen to my friends too many times.

    Oh, the second most perfect expression of a well-drafted contract with benefits is the one between a parent and a child. Some may argue that the two situations are not the same because children don't ask to be born - but I think the two 'contracts' have quite a few of the same issues. This may not be a popular stance, but let's apply a common argument for relationships to a pregnancy: "Well, if we drift apart or we grow in different directions - I'll just go live my life and maybe find another kid who really loves me." Mostly, that doesn't happen. You weather what comes with love - never forgetting that you do, indeed share love. You sure as hell don't legally terminate your association due to 'drift.'

    I hope you find what your truth says is right for you, Elizabeth. Whatever that truth is, I know you will work hard at embracing it. Thank you for encouraging the truth in all of us.
  • I think the growing apart comes from one (or two) people who don't really know themselves and/or who were not being their real selves when they originally got together. Then when one or both discover who they really are, they have to decide - do they keep pretending to be that version of themselves they were unintentionally pretending to be back then? Or do they be who they truly are?
  • Hmm. I don't make judgments on what other people want, but here's what I know: 15 years into something I had very, very strong 'forever feelings' about when it began... I am still there, more than ever. I still wake up every morning thinking Well, I still want to know where this goes, more than I want to know what something or someone else might be like.

    Companionship is a deep and powerful thing, and I don't think there's anything mediocre about it. In fact, it's the best and bravest thing I've yet found in this wide world.

    There you go. My too sense.
  • Forever is the only way.

    To get to forever, you're gonna get slapped and kicked and punch *yourself* in the jaw about a dozen times.

    Forever doesn't start today, by the way. It starts when you decide it starts. Nice thing about infinite numbers; they're always infinite, whether you start counting now or next month or next year or next *decade*

    I got married long long ago, pretending it was forever because I believed in forever, not because I believed in forever with the person I married.

    Now, I'm married to someone who I'd have taken for one single day, just to know that she'd loved me for one day.

    And now, we have forever.
  • "Now, I'm married to someone who I'd have taken for one single day, just to know that she'd loved me for one day." <-- that's beautiful. and maybe that's the idea, it's about living in the now. and now is only one day. at a time, at least.
  • You have no idea how close this is to what I am going through right now and how I am feeling. It's SCARY. Like you pulled everything out of me and wrote it in your voice. I am married (celebrated my 6th anniversary Sunday) but I am going through serious problems in my relationship that have made me doubt forever too. But it is just like you said - the chicken shit part of us that wants to close up and never let anyone in and think that forever is not feasible or attainable. It's easier to call it quits. But is it better? Would my life be better if I were on my own?? I am struggling with that one. Between my Catholic upbringing and the fact that I do, despite our problems, love my spouse - I find it hard to just walk away. For good. Because I know one day I will regret it. Just as easy it is for me to point out his faults now, it will be easier to point out all his positive attributes when I am no longer his wife. It's always the way, isn't it? In this day and age when it is so much easier to throw away things that no longer work and get something new and 'better' we should practice recycling relationships as well as our trash. We may find that the old item we were going to replace, once cleaned up and shown a little love, is even better than new. (here's hoping)
  • Liz, you don't know me, so my advice probably isn't worth the paper it's (not) printed on, which obviously means I'm going to offer it anyway.

    My first marriage lasted 23 years. We were not happy. We did little or nothing to fix it. It ended disastrously. I am now deliriously happily married to someone who makes me gloriously happy.

    And yet, if I could somehow go back and save my marriage, if I could somehow avoid the pain and life disruption and lifelong knowledge that I abandoned something I truly believed was forever, well, I wish I could. I wish I had made it work. (If it seems counter-intuitive to love my life just as it is, and still wish I could go back and fix what broke, read some F. Scott Fitzgerald and it'll fix you right up.)

    If you have any rational belief that it can be fixed, it can be fixed. And it's a psychological truth that we love the toy that was broken and fixed more than we love the toy which never broke in the first place.
  • susangiurleo
    Elizabeth, thanks for sharing your truth, then your "real" truth. I've changed since my husband and I got married. I was the "work a stable job with benefits" kind of gal and now I'm the 'screw the man work for myself never going to an office again" sort. It scares the hell out of him. He sticks by me even though he has no idea what I'm up to half the time.
    Forever is scary. finding it in ourselves to accept change in another human and still love them no matter what is crazy powerful. We're forever, but the ride won't be smooth :-).
  • Yes. I'm with you, on all counts. I want a deep, sacred union that lasts a lifetime... and I'm not ready for that yet. So serial monogamy (#orsomethinlikethat) is where I'm at while I get ready for forever. Thanks for bringing your truth.
  • patrobeck1ofhis
    Judging by the number and tone of comments, you are playing a chord that resonates with a lot of people. I believe that a lot of our troubles come when we enter marriage without really knowing the fine print in the contract. A marriage is a committment, to treat the other person as if they are an extension of your own person and body. That means as we each grow and our needs change, we accept those changes as if they were a need of our own. Marriage is entered into too lightly, mostly because most of us really were too young for a rational decision, because we were hormone doped up and just wanted to enjoy guilt-free sex. For a marriage to last forever, both people have to decide each day to operate in that manner, and make decisions that support that idea. My wife and I don't go to the same church, vote for the same political party, share our hobbies or stuff like that, but, are together now for 27 years. Will it last? If it is up to me it will, but, there are still 2 people in it, and no one can really control another, so who knows? Elizabeth, keep searching and living your truth, and you will find your way thru the maze of life. Hurt will always be with us, but, it easier with someone to share it.
  • wow that sounds scary. and you know, now at the old age of 35 ;-) I feel so differently about marriage and forever than I did at 25.

    I think that many people who are young feel so romantic and optimistic about it because that's in our genes ... if humans feel romantic & hormone-y about it then it's much more likely we'll all get together & make babies and keep the human race going. ;-)
  • Thank you for letting your chicken shit self and your soul both have a saying.
    Oddly, its conforting to read your different sides. They sound very much like my own in the different stages of my 10 year marriage.
    There´s a phase or phases were I can´t stand him (rather short ones) and then, the ones were I feel his my soulmate como to save the day.
    But, we´re human, you know. We´re allowed to have contradictions.
    And in the words of W. Whitman "So I contradict myself. I´m large, I contain multitudes", or somenthing like that.
    Happy truth living.
    You rock!
  • Carolina - yes, I'm also glad that both sides of me made it into this post ... it really helps me to read/hear both of those voices of myself, so I can look at them objectively for what they both are.

    And yes, there's nothing more contradictory and complicated than the mind of a human being. :-)
  • Hilory
    One of your best posts, and revised post:). As you so often do, you have given voice to the fears that so many share. We don't talk about it because we think we are the only ones traveling this journey, but the 'truth' is that we are all much more alike than different. Why wouldn't we want the 'forever' guy or girl--we are social beings and relationships are a natural desire. That said, we need to discard the fairytale expectations, and relish the gifts in the ups and downs of a relationship-that is where growth occurs and true bonding emerges. There have been so many profound statements made by others, but wanted to add my thoughts.
  • annettenack
    #holycrap

    If you've ever touched on something, then this has to be it. The concept of forever scares me sometimes but the idea that I have truth that I'm not speaking scares me all the time which basically means that I'm denying part of my truth and thereby denying part of my soul.

    I haven't been married- yet- but I have been in a long enough relationship to feel like I've been married, cheated on and then dumped. Not going to mince words there. It totally sucked, felt like my soul had been ripped out, crapped on and left for dead. I struggled for a really long time with the idea of forever, monogamy, love, relationships and self-worth.

    Then I took a good hard look at myself, dropped the self-pity that I wallowed in for longer than I care to admit and said fuck it, I'm going to live my life for me and if I never find that special someone, then I'll just rock out the other parts of my life.

    It was a period of extreme self-growth, change and learning to love myself unconditionally.

    And then HE showed up. Not what I was looking for, not looking like the image in my head and certainly not what I thought my forever would be.

    Now I'm looking down the barrel of another forever and scared shitless because of that truth that I'm not speaking. And that is the scariest part of all.

    He loves me unconditionally. I love me unconditionally yet I pause when I try to speak that one piece of my truth that is HOLDING ME BACK. What the hell am I waiting for? Those magical fairies that you talk about? I'm holding myself back from my own forever and I need to tread carefully because I can fuck up my forever by not living and speaking my truth.

    I cried about this last night because that was the only thing that I could let myself do. Now I know that there is way more that I need to do and that it has to get done.

    In the immortal words of Richard Branson, "Screw it, let's do it."
  • "Screw it, let's do it."

    now I have relationships where I've been speaking my truth from the beginning. which is unbelievable - to have people who want to be with me, when they actually know the real me.

    sometimes I chicken out and it takes me a while to speak my truth. but I eventually do - and it's scary and horrible and awesome and amazing. there is nothing more challenging than speaking the truth to someone I love and who I want to love me back ... but the only way they love the real me, is for me to actually be the real me. #scary
  • Rock on. I have a guy who's forever, whom I have no intention of marrying. Forever starts over every day. Whoa. I just spewed romantic crap. My truth is that against all odds I live a life of romantic bliss - in between the life of the over-stressed single mother. www.freemotioncoach.com
  • "Is it possible for a man to see the real truth of who I am, the woman I am evolving into, something I don’t even quite understand yet myself?"

    Yes. There are absolutely men who are fully in their masculine and can be 100% present and SEE you in all of your glorious goddess beauty. A man is out there who can absolutely worship and adore your feminine power while still absolutely staying in his male strength. I know because I married a man like that. I wrote an 8 1/2 page manifesto of qualities and he meets all of them.

    If you want someone who will be there forever and see your truth - your full truth - he will be there. The hardest part? It's telling yourself - I deserve this. I want this. I am ready. Because, being loved for ALL of who you are is friggin' scary. Having a man look deeply into your soul is friggin' scary. But, if you want it, you can certainly call it in.

    But until then, serial monogamy can certainly be a lot of fun...
  • That's so awesome Wendy, and you're not the first person in a long term relationship who has said that to me. And it gives me faith. :-)
  • alexisneely
    Jeez Louise girl, we really are on the same journey. That's all I can say about that right now because otherwise we'd be here all night and I was at the most awesome festival that you clearly need to come to next year this weekend and only had 15 hours of sleep over 3 days and I must get to bed. But, yeah, I get ya.
  • Well, I've read it through twice, and I can still resonate with both versions of your truth. I don't believe the first draft was a lie, as much as an alternate reality that may exist. I find myself (yes, 2 years into single life after the end of my marriage) still living comfortably in that place you described, where forever is "just another cultural “should” that I don’t have to buy into".

    I KNOW that I still have a lot of healing to do, and am doing so by diving into the truth of who I am and what makes my soul sing; things that, sadly, were not possible in the relationship I came from. I don't, however, regret the relationship itself: it was part of the journey I am on, which for a time we shared, and our beautiful boyo came from that shared experience.

    Does it mean that I'm bitter and twisted if I can contemplate a future where finding a "life partner" is not my first priority (or even on the list)? I don't feel that to be true. In fact, I'm still a little concerned that you (and so many others) suggest that I'm lying to myself if I believe that I can be happy being single, or that to enjoy the benefits of relationships without expectations of forever is simply 'protecting' myself from a broken heart.

    I'm a resilient person; I've rolled with a lot of changes and failed expectations in my life, and been inspired by unexpected beauty in situations and relationships where I didn't expect to find them. There are SO many beautiful loving people in my life, and I am so energised by the possibilities of the life I am moving into in my own period of huge personal growth, that the 'need to share with one special person' seems more like a societal expectation than an empty space.

    Maybe that will change in the future - I can allow for that, being resilient and all ;). But I still question the convention that says it MUST.
  • I never said that *you* were lying. Or that you don't actually want to be single or not be with just one man.

    That's your truth, and that's up to you to discover.

    Ken knows me incredibly well and could hear how this post was how I felt, but was not my truth. Not because I "should" be with someone forever. But because he knows me and could hear how what I was saying was not all of me.

    ~ Elizabeth
  • JackiYo
    We all need a resident caller of bullshit. :)
  • damn straight. ken needs to get on replicating himself. ;-)
  • oh, and you know what keeps coming up as I read these posts -- what about people who for the reasoning of a government don't have the "black and whiteness" of 'forever committed' in societal terms?

    You know, I tell my friends who love people of the same gender (the same person for many, many years in several instances) who can't get 'legally' married where they lived that maybe it's the evolution and they're leading the charge. Somehow being MARRIED changed me. or it drew out all my issues with the system (don't get me started on the patriarchy of it all - not to mention the financial control and a woman's right historically to have property and decide how they want to vote.)

    Yeah, I'm liking forever without the intervention. But I want everyone to choose their flavor of forever and to treat one another with compassion and respect. Which, anyone who has ever had a break up -- knows is harder than it looks sometimes.
  • I find it very interesting that my many of my friends in same-sex committed relationships so want to be legally married. And I'm like, why, you guys seem to have a relationship that is amazing and committed and what does marriage really mean, how will that make any difference? (especially here in California where same-sex domestic partners have the same rights as married couples, except for tax stuff and federal government stuff).
  • yes. and yes. and well. yes.
    fear sucks - especially in love. it's why I somehow created the myth that you cannot be successful and in a 100% loving relationship.
    My journey? and only mine - which has nuance and tonal resonance with you at 1 am -- yep -- monogamy? Who's freaking idea was that? A bunch of men who expected to not live past their 28th birthday !

    That too was flavored with TWO divorces (really, you're not in the big leagues til you keep jumping down the aisle over and over again without asking these TRUTH questions)

    Then yes, I decided, my truth was, maybe it was worth chancing heartbreak (the real kind, not the soap opera HS kind) to find a true partner.

    Every day it's a dance and a give and a take and there is enough sometimes heartbreak for a real opera. But I keep pushing. Because I wanted to see what it felt like to find another truth that honored my need for love. deep.

    is it forever? i don't know what the means. but i know that each day I wake up in love. and that when it sucks, I don't decide that means that forever doesn't exist. It's good and true today. And today is frankly all we get.

    Hugs
  • Elizabeth, the more of our hearts we give - without expectation - the more we have to give.

    Our hearts grow in strength and size... on demand.

    Demand it.
  • You? Are a soft place to land. I so struggle with forever, especially when it is so hard.

    This was my warm hug today. Thank you.
  • thank you so much michelle, that's lovely to hear, glad I could be that for you. :)
  • I watched a show on the Discovery Channel last night - it was about Space and it spoke to the fact that Time Travel may be possible, and the conditions necessary to make it so.

    I struggle to wrap my head around all things 'Science' - so we paused it a lot so I could ask questions and my husband (whom I've been with for 27 years now, though it's not always easy, harmonious or in any way Hallmark), who has a gifted capacity and passion for understanding all things 'Space', could put the information into a concept I could wrap my mind around.

    Time Travel appears possible when we can get ourselves to the point of travelling at 99.9% of the Speed of Light. I couldn't help thinking as I watched this information unfold before me that, on some level, our thoughts must achieve this ~ because so often ... they take us so far out of the present moment and even have us believing we're still 'here' because we feel and react as if the thoughts are actually happening.

    So many have said this better than I can ~ Forever is a concept that lifts us out of the only moment in time that truly exists ... and that is NOW. Right now, in this moment - that's all there is, until the very next moment - which is also NOW because the old Now becomes Then. It's over.

    And Forever, gosh - that's so 'out there' (unless you're travelling at 99.9% of the Speed of Light, in which case you're likely thinking about a myriad of other things, not the least of which is how blurry everything looks at such speed).

    In every moment - you have the capacity to choose what you will think, how you will feel, how you will respond to whatever is happening around you and what meaning and significance you will assign to the all of it. And with each passing moment, you get to continue choosing. How awesome is that?

    Do the work, take the risks, be open to all that presents itself to you ~ and know that Forever exists one moment at a time, for all time, always. I Am Now Here. (Or am I? Sometimes, I wonder. Sure glad you're Now Here though - your honesty helps many ...)
  • "Forever exists one moment at a time" <-- yes.
  • I think I will need at least 4 Men:
    1. The hottie that makes you all squishy inside, the bad boy that you know isn't forever but is fun when you're young.
    2. The settled down steadfast honest and reliable man to father your children. The one you know will be a great dad.
    3. The cub that gets your juices flowing once again after the stress of motherhood has got you feeling fat, ugly and undesirable.
    4. The companion, long after the thirst for sex has gone, and cuddles, kisses, and romantic hand holding take precedence. The man whom you share adventures, cruises, safari's, and who can be counted on to remember to pick up the milk. The man you grow old with and keep til the end.
  • I love the general idea, but I don't plan for my thirst for sex to ever be gone. ;-)
  • Still smiling that you write "fuck" in your posts. I remember "back in the day" --
    Ok, so you're writing about "And the truth" things like that... There IS no truth. I'm open to being hurt (which actually just happened) - by giving my heart away, in hopes of finding the right person, yada yada... but as we get to know someone, and they get to know us, and we evolve, and our moods change, and our goals change.... we can drift apart, and no longer be happy with each other. You can find love, and tyou will probably always love the person you're with.... but it doesn't mean that's the person you're supposed to be with. I know grandparents that tell their kids/grandkids that the only reason they're still together is because back in their day, divorce was taboo. I've seen old people die of grief shortly after their loved one passed away. The bottom line is that you'll never know..... and you shouldn't even bother thinking about it.... If you find a good thing, and you're monogomous with it (not trying to incite a hot lesbian flick-- just saying-- whomever this person turns out to be)-- cool.. run with it... go all in. But... should it end, don't be so surprised (and don't take as long with the paperwork as this time around). And what's this shit about you're not going to have the same best friends forever??? I expect to be getting weird calls in the middle of the night still in 40 years from now :)

    Life's a ride. Make the best with what you have, enjoy it, let the pieces fall where they may.
  • yes, Ori, I do plan to be calling you at 11 pm pacific in 40 years as I'm walking the streets of whatever city/town/country I live in, with whatever is whorlying through my mind at the time.

    I still do think there is truth. But it's my truth, not *the* truth, not everyone's truth. :-)
  • I think "forever" is possible, definitely. I feel like I'm living it now with my husband. I also believe in marriage 100%. For ME it helps me to live in my truth. My Truth right now is taking huge care of myself, training, growing my business with passion and inspiration, and in that process inspiring myself and others.

    If my husband were no longer with me, some huge shifts would have to be made because he is such an integral part of my support. I consider this a "forever" relationship -- I've never been in one like it, nothing compares.

    That said I'm not sure about the "forever" concept. Because my mom died five years ago and my dad had to learn to go on without her. They had their differences for sure but I thank God every day that I lived with their example of a marriage. Two self confident, self sufficient people together.

    That's what I have with my husband. We lived together for years before marriage and based on my experience I would HIGHLY recommend that. But I also knew that, for me, living together "forever" was not enough. So, I told him that. He took it in, and a year later asked me to marry him. Because he wanted to! Had he not wanted to, shifts would have had to be made and I would be somewhere else now.

    So I believe that if you have two people together, who are self confident, self sufficient, and who love themselves as people, then "forever" is possible. But how long "forever" lasts is not always up to us. In fact, it probably never is. Also I don't believe that marriage necessary has to be in the equation for a relationship to be "forever" I just know that for ME it had to be.

    Great post!
  • Words are so subjective, each loaded with semantics. For one forever is a prison for another forever is security and for others something else entirely.

    I think someone else said this earlier in the comments, but for me, forever can only ever be now. Loving with an open heart in the moment is the only time you are given.

    Having dealt with a very similar struggle myself in the past couple of years, I can empathise wholeheartedly. A very wise and knowing friend of mine on Twitter @venaramphal calls it heart broken open. When we love fully and openly the full expansive and glorious pain of doing so is less than that which might happen if you haven't allowed yourself to truly love at all.

    The other advice she gave was that the heart has its own rhythm separate to our intuition and head. We need to pay attention to what our heart needs at any given moment.

    This is a great blog and demonstrates to me the ultimate in owning our truth.
  • that's interesting, I think of intuition and my heart as the same thing, as both coming from my soul ... and they both do, but are different manifestations of myself. my heart is a bit more nuts. ;-)

    and, thank you so much jackie, I'm so happy you find that about this blog.
  • I read this a couple of hours ago and needed to stew on it a while. Really, I still don't know where I am on it. 'Forever' is such a comforting concept, and it doesn't seem any more real than capturing a whisper. Florid, I know, but there it is. I want 'forever', but I don't have faith in it right now.

    I've been in a place of major transition for a few months now, and still am. I do have faith that what is happening needs to happen. So, I'm going to believe that 'forever' will happen when it needs to, as well.
  • I love that idea Kathryn - faith that what happens will happen in it's own time, as long as we let it unfold.
  • Hmmm... I love that you put this out there!

    I, like you, have ever cheated in a relationship - even the jr. high"going together" ones... If I were ever in relationship and I wanted someone else... I broke it off and moved on...

    Most men that I have dated have been of the "I'm having fun, sex is good..." but not the "I'm going marry him" variety. I never thought that I would marry them.... never... and you know... everyone KNOWS pretty early if this is the case. seriously. (and even knowing this... way too hard to have 2 'relationships' going at the same time)

    But... I KNEW the night I met my husband, that I would marry him. (I was 36... that is 20 years of dating... To quote Charlotte from Sex and the City... "I've been dating since I was 15, I'm exhausted, where is he already" << not an exact quote I'm sure)

    I love that Ken had you write the update! I love that you want that feeling. You WILL know it when you find it.... and since you aren't looking for it, you WILL find it... ;)

  • I enjoy how many people tell me that I'll find it when I'm not looking. #insane #yetnotinsane
  • sarahrobinson
    My amazingly brave friend who lets the chickenshit side of her have a voice at the table instead of continually stuffing a sock in it's mouth. Wow.

    And bravo on the update. I believe it's what we all want, in the end. :-)

    #loveyou
  • and maybe that's the important thing, letting both sides say whatever so I can hear them, and then I can know the truth.
  • This sounds like me about 10 years ago...or so. I was newly divorced after having been married for almost 20 years. Looking back on it, I realize that what a wise friend told me when I got divorced was true....the first two years are a wash. And they pretty much are. If forever didn't work out to be forever, we get scared and tell ourselves all kinds of stuff about what forever is and isn't. In my case, for two years, all of the men that I found were almost replicas of my ex. Sad but true. Sure...they looked different and were different but deep down, I kept finding the same guy. I found the same one even in just plain friendships.

    After I decided that I would never get married again and be alone forever (I decided this in a shopping mall in Grand Junction, CO), I met someone who turned out to be my forever (at least I hope so). He wasn't anything like I had imagined myself with...in any way.

    It seems that if you continue to live your life out there and you're open to it, forever may just be around the corner. If not, that's okay too. Being happy with where you are today and not worrying about tomorrow is the best way to go. You may feel like chickenshit today but tomorrow you might feel like Super Woman :) Who knows? Maybe Gracie will end up finding the right one for you when you are ready!
  • not worrying about tomorrow <-- yes, I have a tendency to live in the future, and one of the biggest changes I've made in my life in the last 2 years is to focus on living in the now. so, that's what it is all about.
  • You got me at the update.

    I'm living the same thing. I get it. I want it. I'm scared.

    Nice way to put yourself out there.
  • shannonshort
    Yea, EPW!! I like the real truth SO much better. Thanks to #KenMoorehead for uncovering the lie! I'm smiling big smiles for you. :-)
  • tanyageisler
    How brave of you to full on open your heart up here to what you want. Brave, beautiful and brilliant. No "shoulds" hiding in there, just glorious, expansive truth. Ka-POW!
  • lorilatimer
    Oh God, you just wrote about a lot of things I've been thinking about - and struggling with - for a while now. Like you, I've never been able to date - or sleep with - more than one man at a time. Just don't have it in me. I've never been unfaithful in any of my relationships or marriages.

    Two weeks ago I was in L.A. with someone who is currently very special in my life (will it be that forever I've been looking for? That remains to be seen - ha ha, especially because he lives in L.A. & I currently live in Atlanta). I told him that what I really want - at some point, when the time is right - is a committed, monogamous relationship. And that I don't know if I ever want to get married again or not. I've realized recently that what I really want is "the relationship" and I've settled for less than that by entering into marriages (yep, more than one) with men who did not challenge me, which for me is key.

    I, too, am in a period of huge growth right now, and I'm just living it in each and every moment as fully as I can, working to create the life that I really want. Where it all ends up, well that remains to be seen. I just know that I'm no longer holding on so tightly to any of the "shoulds" but instead realizing that life, and relationships, are fluid. And I'm learning to go with the flow of all of that.

    Thanks for once again being so transparent and putting into words what so many of us feel and are experiencing.

    xoxo
  • And I do think there's an issue of the relationship vs getting married. Getting married is not the point, and for many of us, that's what we did. I didn't even realize that's what I was doing, but there it is.

    This made me also think about the whole facebook status thing. I have a bet w/ Alli that I'll never change my facebook relationship status - she's betting I will by the end of 2011. #weshallsee #rflol
  • Alison Kramer
    so today i read three things that moved me.
    The first was Allison's post about truth. Where she says this "Trust is not about flowers and butterflies"
    The second was a tweet with an ultrasound picture, from a friend announcing her pregnancy (which i knew about and have been keeping quiet - so hard btw...)
    And the third is this.
    I think we are all taught that forever means always good and happy, like flowers and butterflies - in all relationships - with friends, partners, kids...
    The truth isn't always pretty, or in sync, or always supportive - relationships, all of them, take work to last. period. That doesn't mean you should stay with crap ones to find something good at the end, but it does mean that there is a kind of ebb and flow in all things.
    My best girl friends and i have known one another for 26 years. We have fought. There have been years when we didn't speak or see one another. But we always find each other when the time is right. There is a beauty of a friend who remembers me when i was 8. i also have a best friend i have known less than a year, who knows me now, without the baggage of remembering me at 8. One is no less important.
    Some people come and go, others stick. Some show up just when you need them, others you walk away from. I think focusing on forever is the wrong way to see it, Today is what we have. If you spend today where you want to be, forever just happens.
  • "Today is what we have. If you spend today where you want to be, forever just happens." <-- freaking brilliant.

    #loveyou #thatisall
  • I like your update better ;)

    Forever sounds scary. Especially after you've gone through what you've gone through.

    Forever is not easy. It's awesome but not easy. I'm 9 years into my forever and every day is a challenge. But I wouldn't trade it because I have someone who understands me and who challenges me and doesn't let me give up.

    If that's not growth, I don't know what is ;) It's most definitely worth the risks. (and from what I've been reading on your blog, you're not one to shy away from those!)
  • And really, that's what I'm all about. Not the easy, but the awesome.
  • Who has two thumbs and is a total baller? *THIS GUY!*
  • *rolls eyes re thumbs/baller comment*

    Thanks again Ken. :)
  • P.S. I question the notion of "forever." If something (a relationship, a job) doesn't last forever, it has failed?! NO! When people say "your marriage didn't work out" I say "it was perfect and lasted exactly as long as it was supposed to." There are many kinds of awesome and they don't all have to have forever in them.
    #nowthatisall
  • Ava Diamond (@feistywoman)
    I love this, Allison...." There are many kinds of awesome and they don't all have to have forever in them." this is applicable to so many things in life.
  • Allison said everything beautifully. And you know, I just said to my husband two days ago, "saying you don't believe in divorce is like saying you think that two people will grow and change and live authentically on the exact same path forever." Which is pretty unrealistic. That being said, we did get married. But we didn' NEED to get married, and we honestly feel the same way you do. We're committed to each other and authenticity and growth and all of those great things and hope and believe that will keep up on the same path all of our lives. But we don't have any naive notion of forever, either. We even talked about whether or not we wanted to get married. It came down to health insurance and a "should" (as in, families were freaked out enough about our relationships), but our eyes our wide open. And you don't need to make a decision about forever today--it's about living your truth every day--the rest will come. Your opinion may change, it may not, but what remains is that you are still honest and your awesomtastic true self.
  • "it's about living your truth every day--the rest will come" <-- exactly.
  • Agreed. We are with a soul as long as we need to be - it's not about succeeding or failing, it's about what happens & who we are sharing it with, as it happens.
  • I read this post twice. And there is lots (for me) to say about what you are saying, much of it already said to e/o via text, skype, etc. And really, what I think that it comes down to is this: All your life, you thought (& maybe were told) that love, partnership, sacrifice, etc were all part of this thing you were supposed to do and supposed to be a part of. You know -- The Shoulds.

    So when this particular Should didn't stick around forever for you, it made you question whether it was something that should even be in your repetoire going forward. And the answer is a definite "maybe, maybe not."

    As long as you are living in your truth and being true to yourself and your gut and your soul, you will always be exactly where you should be. Living out-friggin-loud.

    LOVE YOU
    xo ~ Alli
  • #loveyou
  • Elizabeth - In sharing my experience, I make no judgement on yours - I value yours.

    After 2 marriages ended in divorce by my 35th birthday, I was sure "forever" was a vague illusion preached by the overly religious or terminally insane. Screw commitment was my motto.

    When I wasn't looking (KEY), and much to my surprise, forever came to me. Thirteen years later (5 of them married) I see forever as attainable - but not required.

    What changed for Mr. Screw Commitment? Hell if I know for sure, but I think it was the "openness of considering the possibility."

    Live open - see what happens.
  • love that idea - "live open"
  • I think you're in a period of heavy personal growth. You look back at who you were a year ago and you're still trying to figure out who you might be a year from now, so it's unlikely that any guy you meet now would still be around if you go through as many changes as you have in the past year.

    I've seen some amazing relationships that have endured the test of time and of growth in one partner or the other. Were there sacrifices made where one person let the other one grow while they waited, of course. I've also seen couples get married way too young and fall apart when that personal growth happens or when one person realizes that the person they married isn't who they want to be with for forever.

    One of my aunts met a man during a really "high-growth" phase of her life. She was in the middle of a divorce that was put on hold due to her husband's life-ending cancer, she had given up drinking and had become a bit of a fitness nut to improve her health. I don't think either of them saw the relationship lasting forever and they didn't even get married for a really long time. That was 20+ years ago, and they are still together. They have grown together and apart. They have each continued to work on personal development that strengthens them and their relationship.

    I guess my point in telling you that story is that it is possible for two people who are interested in personal growth and development to find each other and to grow together, to make each other stronger and to be stronger as a couple than you would be as individuals.
  • Sue Anne - I agree, I also know of some examples of people where they are still together, even when one or both have gone through huge personal growth - so many days, I have faith that this is possible. We never know the mysteries of what really goes on inside a relationship between two people, except what they share with the world, and so it's hard to know what's really the truth between any two people who have been together for decades.
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