ElizabethPW

Embracing Chaos with Grace

Posted on 16. Dec, 2008 by Elizabeth Potts Weinstein in Blog

(Essay written November 2007)

I am not dispensing financial and legal advice from an upper floor of a fancy high-rise, in a dark, wood paneled office, resting on a leather chair, over a mahogany conference table.  My advice is dispensed while a toddler is yanking on my sweater, with Dora the Explorer blaring in the background, removing cookie crumbs from my client forms, using a laptop with a missing “k” (knocked off in toddler enthusiasm).  The adventure of running a growing startup company while simultaneously caring for my daughter, Grace, has clarified my priorities and sharpened my efficiency – and once I embraced the chaos, has resulted in a holistic, joyful life for me and my family.  

The Adventure Begins

Unlike many work-at-home moms, I did not start my company in response to having a child.  I was proactive.  I knew that 70 hour work weeks in a boring (yet allegedly successful and six-figure salary) legal career was not going to jive with my priorities when my husband and I wanted to start a family.  I also wanted something more – to be able to help regular people proactively and make their lives better – and to create something of my own.  So I quit.  

The startup of my business was slow, at first, but in the summer of 2004 I was featured in the local newspaper – and went from one call a week to 12 calls a day.  I was caught in the momentum of my growing business, working 10 hours a day and loving it – the financial planning firm was my baby.  

And then we got pregnant.  Yes, it was sort-of-planned, but we had thought we would wait until my business was more ready (which never happens, by the way).  But the powers that be had something else in mind.  

The plan was for me to take 6 weeks off upon the birth of the baby, hire a nanny part time for a few months, then go back to my business full-time, with the baby either in daycare or with a full-time nanny.  

And then, in March of 2005, Grace was born.  

Lesson #1:  You Must Fill Yourself First

A few days after Grace was born, I was intoxicated with her.  I held her almost 24 hours a day (with a few short breaks for daddy, while mommy took a shower).  I watched her sleep, worried over her feedings, and showed her all her toys.  Those first few weeks, I was energized by her newness (or perhaps the birth and nursing hormones).  But Gracie was a bottomless pit of need, and I was not able to constantly fill it by myself.  

Grace wants constant motion.  And before she was able to crawl or walk, she wanted that motion to be provided by the grown ups in her life, 24-hours a day – in arms, in Baby Bjorn or sling.  She would deconstruct if left to her own devices – as if her brain was unable to process the world without some motion to occupy part of her mind.  

When her new part-time nanny arrived, and took my winy baby for a walk in the Baby Bjorn, I was oppressed with guilt.  How could I give my baby to a stranger and dare to run a business?  We could live off of my husband’s salary, was this business just a selfish conceit?  Should I be a stay-at-home mom for a few years and start my business up again when she goes off to school?  

By the end of the day of nanny care, I already knew I had made the right decision.  I was able to fill up my needs by living in the world of adults – reading emails, solving problems, learning new issues, eating lunch in a civilized manner – such that when Grace returned, I was ready, able, and overjoyed to give to her again.  By taking care of myself, first, Grace is no longer a drain.  She is a joy.  

Lesson #2:  Don’t Listen to What You “Should” Do.  Trust Yourself & Trust Your Baby.

As Grace made the transition from babyhood to toddlerhood, life became much more complicated.  My active toddler would no longer be amused by relaxing in a sling or playing in a bouncy seat while I answered email.  No, she wanted to cruise the house for trouble, climb the furniture, chase the cat while screaming, reorganize my files, append my notes with her Crayola commentary, and disassemble my stapler.  

How in the world was I going to be able to get anything done outside of my part-time nanny hours?  Should I put Grace in full-time nanny or day care?  Does she need more stimulation than I can (or am qualified to) provide?  Should I reduce my client workload and stop expanding my business?  

No, instead I crossed to the dark side, and turned on the television.  Yes, ignoring what “they” say about TV for kids under 2, I purposely sat down with Grace and indoctrinated her to Elmo and Dora.  After a few sessions she was a certified convert, and started learning the words to songs, dancing, and pointing out the paraphernalia at Target.  

Did Grace turn from a lean, smart, rambunctious toddler to a chubby, lazy, couch potato?  Was she unable to understand reality because she was exposed to a fast-moving, short-segment virtual world, full of impossible situations and furry monsters?  

Oh, please.  Of course not.  For a few weeks she was a bit of an addict, demanding her new friends every time she saw the TV, or was even present in the living room.  But now, it is just one more way for her to learn, another interesting thing in the room.  Typically, she only has half of an eye on the TV – she’s also chasing the cat, rolling balls, undressing a doll, and eating a cracker.  Given the choice, she would much rather force her dolls down the slide outside or dance around with mommy to her new world music CD, than watch the black box.  

By using television as just another tool, I am able to get a few more things done, expose Grace to different stimulation and information – and have enough time to spend quality, dedicated 1:1 time enjoying my daughter.  Instead of blindly following someone else’s rules, I trust myself and my daughter to find the balance that is right for us.

Lesson #3:  Embrace the Chaos.  

The crucible for me was in fall of 2006 when I was without regular childcare for a few weeks.  I did not want random strangers constantly watching my toddler, so I signed her up for one day of backup daycare each week through my husband’s work, so I could meet with clients – and planned to somehow get all the work done while taking care of Grace.  

The month was a struggle.  Grace was bored, wanted more to do, and mommy was overwhelmed.  I had just started teaching a teleclass, adding another 5+ hours per week to my already-impossible workload.  I also had the wonderful problem of more and more prospects who were all signing on to be clients – and did not have time for both meetings and to get the work done, in that one day of childcare each week.  But I pressed on, counting down the days until our nanny returned from maternity leave.  

One Tuesday I learned the number one detriment to daycare.  That Monday Grace had a booster shot, and had felt a bit pecky that afternoon.  Tuesday morning, she woke up with a 103 degree fever.  Oh.  No.  No daycare for the feverish (even though it was probably just from the vaccination).  

What to do?  I had two prospect appointments that day, and was planning to work on a client project that was due in two days.  I also had two classes to teach and the class notes to finish.  Should I douse her up with Motrin and hope the daycare does not notice?  Should I call a service for a sick-care nanny?  What will my clients say if I cancel at the last minute?  Am I no longer a professional, am I being flaky if I call in baby-sick?  

My baby needed me, so I emailed my clients, prospects, and class students to reschedule the appointments and classes, to take care of my sick baby.  But I resented it.  I resented Grace for being sick.  I resented my husband for going to work.  I resented the world that there was no easy solution, why was I burdened with this baby in the supposedly modern age of women’s lib?  

During her nap that afternoon, Grace woke fitfully, still very tired but too feverish to be comfortable.  So, I swooped her up in my arms and we cuddled on the sofa.  Immediately upon resting her head on my chest, feeling the beat of my heart, Grace was peaceful, and back to sleep.  And I watched her.  Her sweaty hair, curling under on her neck, her damp pj’s, her rosy cheeks, her perfect, blemish-free skin, that unidentifiable baby-smell emanating from her hair – was there anything in the world more beautiful?  

Screw clients, business, expectations of being a modern woman – I am the world to Grace, the most important thing in her life, and she is my #1 responsibility and priority.  There is nothing that has ever given me more fulfillment than caring for her needs, and growing her into the woman she will become.  She is my ultimate project, my ultimate business – and even though I may achieve great things and change the world through my company – growing Gracie is my most important accomplishment.  And, besides, who knows how much longer she will want to sleep in my arms.  

Now, instead of fighting the unpredictability, I embrace the challenges.  Running a business and growing my daughter, I’m more efficient, empathetic, flexible, and creative.  Everyday as I type on my laptop with Grace squirming in my arms, I know that I have been blessed with a life uniquely designed to stimulate me and grow me into the woman that I am destined to become – both as Grace’s mommy, and as an entrepreneur.

Related posts

• Is it weird for me to work at home while I send Gracie to preschool? (0)
• How I get it done even with no sleep and kid home sick … (1)
• 4 Years Ago Today I Became a Mompreneur (6)
• Why I Never Want to Be Called a Guru … part 2 (12)
• What type of a mompreneur are you? (1)

Tags: accomplishment, balance, Childcare, Guilt, joyful life, priorities, startup company, success, work at home moms