I stood before the ocean, a few minutes after sunset. Not-for-the-beach leather boots sinking in the sand, wearing an inadequate jacket for the windy 45 degrees Fahrenheit evening.
Shivering. Texting. Weeping.
Wondering what the nearby bonfire partygoers think of me, as I stand there alone, in the dark.
Everything was wrong. I was wrong.
I stood there, mentally writing angst filled blog posts about loneliness and isolation and guilt and such ingredients of depressing poetry and dramatic independent films.
But this is not that post.
Because after a few long text/skype conversations with intuitive friends who get me frighteningly well, after another sleepless night of overthinking and overanalyzing and overworrying, I found the truth.
Nothing is wrong.
Wrong implies that there is some way “it is supposed to be” or “I am supposed to be” and what currently is does not rise to that occasion.
But there is nothing that is supposed to be.
This is it.
There is no problem.
So last night, at 2:30 AM I laid in bed, in the dark, smiling. Laughing. About the ridiculousness of my life, about accepting who I am – my insanity and my brilliance – about what I am capable of and what I can (and must!) let others do for me.
And I realized that I forgot about the ecstasy. One of my 4 words. I’ve been living in love and courage and enlightenment, I forgot about that fourth fundamental part of who I am.
I was waiting for the ecstasy to start.
You see, last year I compartmentalized my life. On one hand, was me at home (now in San Francisco), where I run a business and am a mom and a friend and spend my time caring and creating and inspiring.
But enjoying life, living in the moment, feeling ecstasy, indulging in what I love and being just for myself … that only happened when I was traveling. On a vacation from the ordinary. Physically removed from the daily routine.
And since I stopped traveling for a few months to get my life together & launch a new program for my company, I had no ecstasy on my calendar. No journey of the soul to live for.
So, instead, I must find the ecstasy in my ordinary life.
This is not about changing anything.
It’s about awareness. Perspective. Opening my eyes and being in the now with the amazingness that’s right in front of me.
I do meaningful work every day. Inspire and help people change their businesses. Their lives. And, I get to read the blog comments and @ replies and emails they send me, sharing their transformations.
I live in a real city. Just outside my single paned glass balcony door is a world of everything to eat, do, see, share, learn. People wearing costumes for no reason or who seem to have forgotten pants. Kind people who will give up their seat on the bus or who just want to tell a story or share a moment of connection.
I have my own space. I picked this desk, this lamp, the one piece of art on my wall. Every item of clothing in my closet, the dishes in my sink, the lack of TV in my living room – those are all conscious choices made particularly for me, by me, exactly as I want them.
I am blessed with real friends. People who I can text at any hour of the day or night to share my celebrations or snarks or freakouts. Who get me, who know who I really am, who understand my insanities and know what I need to hear or do to be myself again.
I set my schedule. I wake up when I wake up, only using an alarm clock when I have to catch a plane. Doing my best work with the natural rhythms of my energy. Work late or early in the morning (well, usually both). Eat when I am hungry (well, when I remember). I can stop in the middle of the day to play with my daughter or go to the beach or watch a movie (well, when I give myself permission to).
I decide who gets my energy and attention. The time I spend with my daughter. The intimate friends I speak to on the phone, text and skype with. Who I hire to help me grow this company. What clients I agree to take on. What requests I say yes to and when I say no.
This is about the way my daughter laughs when I tickle her. The feel of the fur inside my Ugg slippers. The black current vanilla smell of the first candle I burned in my new bedroom.
This is about the taste of Ghiradelli’s dark chocolate. Eating stir-fry made in my own kitchen. Drinking a Starbuck’s triple nonfat nowhip mocha on a rainy afternoon.
This is about listening to the wind tear around buildings from my bed in the morning. Watching the fog roll out at mid day. Smelling the ocean a few moments after sunset.
This is about letting go that the way my life is – my lack of living room furniture, the dirty dishes in my sink, the unanswered emails, my idiosyncratic relationships, the uncertainties of my business and my life – letting go that my life is not the way it is supposed to be.
Because there is no “supposed to be” that I’m waiting for – this is my life.
I just need to remember to live it.
Theme Song for this post: These Are The Days by 10,000 Maniacs
So, what are you waiting for?
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I'm Elizabeth Potts Weinstein, a writer, teacher, and coach.