The very first test of my Zen-like ability to find inner calm in out-of-control situations came when the small airplane I was in spiraled to the ground from about 1,200 feet (not to give away the ending, but I lived to tell about it).
The pilot was doing what is called a wing stall, where you point the nose of the plane down, turn off the engine and let the body spin. (Yes, I realize now that was a dumb idea). Not to get too technical, but the pilot wasn’t able to recover from the nosedive and we hit the ground in the airplane equivalent of a belly flop and flipped landing upside down.
“Huh…I guess we landed,” I thought to myself, not realizing that we were upside down or that I was suspended from the three-point harness until the pilot released the clasp and my head contacted the roof with a thump. (Surprisingly that was the source of my worst injury, a gruesome gash that required 5 stitches).
Of course an airplane crash causes people to freak out, especially when the survivors emerge covered in blood, but knowing the even the most superficial cuts to your scalp bleed like crazy, I remained calm, knowing there was nothing to do until we reached the hospital.
And even when I tell people years later that I was in an airplane crash, they freak out like it was the scariest thing ever. “Um…I’m standing right here so you know it all worked out in the end so chill out” and “Not really because it happens REALLY fast” (in case you were wondering about that part).
What to do in an out of your control situation…
#1: Control what you can and only what you can – Don’t try to fly the plane or help the doctors or be the solution. You don’t have control of any of that and trying to fight for control is a waste of time and energy. Focus on what you can control, even if that’s just getting healthy snacks for your loved ones.
#2: Get ready for the worst – Look beyond the immediate situation and anticipate the likely trajectory of the events and get ready for the worst. What that looks like depends on the situation, but think about clearing your calendar, calling in backup support and preparing alternate arrangements for the parties involved.
#3: Find productive distractions – Stay busy because you need the mental distraction (and give other control freaks around you jobs too). What counts as a productive distraction may just be handling the flow of information and keeping people up-to-date.
#4: Talk about it with an outsider – Find an outsider (your external Zen master) who can give you perspective on the crisis without getting emotionally charged. The reason is emotions tend to compound each other in crisis situations and you need a way to wind down the emotions (not the other way around).
#5: Give yourself permission to feel – When it’s all said and done, and the crisis has passed, give yourself permission to cry or freak out or collapse in a heap and wallow for a few days. If you needed to follow these rules, you’ve been through hell – no reason to apologize for getting emotional about it.
Take what you can from my out-of-my-control experiences and hope you never need to use this advice.
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I'm Elizabeth Potts Weinstein, a writer, teacher, and coach.