Ramifications of a Transparent Life

04. Dec, 2009 Categories: Life by Elizabeth Potts Weinstein View Comments

Yesterday I tweeted: “transparency is a profound freedom”

… meaning that sharing all the good & bad of our lives, dropping the mythological veil of privacy, releases us from having to hide.

So we can become truly free.

And this tweet got a bunch of affirmatives and hell yeahs! and retweets.

Because transparency sounds romantic.

Uplifting. Interesting. Powerful. Like living your life in the open, tweeting, facebooking, blogging your truth for the entire world to read is a way to a life of effortless attraction & flow.

But that’s bullsh*t.

Because sometimes, transparency freaking sucks.

Last summer, when I started my adventures in living my truth, I began by speaking the truth about business. What’s really going on in internet & information marketing. The truth of what’s happening behind the scenes, the lies that have been sold, the backchannel discussions that needed to be brought out into the live conversation.

And then I was hit in the face that I was speaking only one part of my truth.

Because during that same summer, my then-husband and I separated & decided to divorce.

And not sharing that story felt dissonant with the rest of my message.

And that dissonance was devouring me.

So after sharing with my then-husband how much it meant to me to be able to share my story (and that it would be my story, not the story of the relationship or a reflection upon him), I got his go-head for making the “Divorce Is Weird” video.

What a relief.

Now here I am again, 6 months later, with that same feeling that I’m out of resonance.

That while I’ve been kicking butt in blog posts about bullsh*t in business & committing to be a crazy person, I omitted part of the story.

And speaking only part of the truth … well, for me, that feels like a lie.

So here’s the whole truth about truth.

It’s easy to speak the truth to the people in my tribe. I’m preaching to the choir. You are either already thinking the same thoughts, or identify enough with my underlying message that while you may make difference choices in your life, you wholeheartedly support mine.

And, it’s somewhat easy to speak the truth to people who are totally & completely on the outside of my life. People who can excommunicate themselves when they don’t agree. People who can leave a snippy tweet or blog comment as they leave, but once gone, never come back to face me. The trolls I can (somewhat) easily dismiss.

The test comes with the third category.

People who have the ability to make my life suck if they don’t like what I have to say. People who may get hurt. People whose opinions I think I should care about. People who knew a version of me, and don’t understand what I have “turned” into.

That is where transparency gets messy.

And with them, I constantly, constantly!, chicken out on speaking my whole truth.

I could say it is because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

But that’s just another level of bullsh*t.

Because really, what I’m worried about is me.

I don’t want to have anyone think that I’m a bad person. I don’t want to lose anyone that I love. I don’t want to be uncomfortable.

And I would much prefer to jump out of a freaking plane than negotiate that particular kind of conflict.

Which brings us to today’s story.

In two weeks, I’m going on another one of my multi-location trips to both San Diego & Austin, Texas. Driving down to San Diego to finalize an apartment for the January move to San Diego, and then flying out from there to Austin to go on a crazy yet-to-be-determined adventure with my friend @CouchSurfingOri.

And since I’m also a mom, one of the first steps on any such trip is to arrange custody & childcare of my daughter with my former husband.

But instead of sharing what I’m doing & asking my former husband for his help, I just told him that I’m going on a trip and he gets our daughter for 5 days.

Because the idea of letting him in on who I really am feels like an epic risk.

Now some of this is completely unreasonable on my part. While he is not going to understand why or what I am doing, he does want me to be happy (if for no other reason than that the mother of his child being happy will increase the likelihood of his daughter being happy).

He’s not a bad guy, by any means. And he knows I no longer need his permission (if I ever did) to find an apartment or go on an adventure.

And of course, since I will be posting the whole time, the truth of my trip will out. He will find out what I’m doing. Well, at least if he checks my twitter feed.

But the idea of him knowing who I really am puts me on the defensive.

Remembering all the ways I sucked at being married to him. All the choices I made over the last 9 years that were inconsistent with myself. How the person I thought I “should” be and was trying to be for years was, in some ways, polar opposite to who I am today (and who, fundamentally, I always was). How much power he has to make my life suck if he wanted to fight me for custody of our daughter.

And here we come to the real choice.

Transparency, living my truth, speaking the things that everyone thinks but no one says, is not just for when it is sexy and controversial and fun.

It’s also for when people may find out the truth they were not expecting. When there’s something to be lost. When people may leave.

Living a transparent life is everything. Or, it’s nothing.

Now I understand that for some of you, you have chosen to draw the line in a different place. You only are transparent about your business. Or you don’t share information about your children. Because of personal belief systems. Privacy concerns. Legal issues.

But for some, yet unknown reason, I’m incapable of drawing a line and still have it be my truth.

For me, it must be 100% all in or I can’t play the game.

And damnit, that freaking sucks.

#thatisall

Not only was this post inspired by today’s events, it was also inspired by my BFF Allison Nazarian’s post The Truth About The Truth and CouchSurfingOri’s post No more dancing…. (re the side effects of having a transparent life).

So how’s transparency working for you? Is there only one “right” way to be transparent? Where do you draw the line?

Related posts:

  1. Finding Ecstasy in Ordinary Life
  2. In My Life
  3. The First Day of the Rest of My Life
  4. Live Your Truth in Every Season of Life
  5. How to Incorporate Adventure into Ordinary Life

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  • What a great post. I have been working on being me but find that part of me that like everyone to like me scared. When I said smurf it and focused on being completly honest with who I am it was at a time my husband were going through a really rough time ( we're still going through it) but have stopped shareing on FB and twitter because so many of my friend privately emailed me to tell me that I was sharing to much and that it wasnt professional so I pulled back. I have begun to hide and it smurfing pisses me off. Reading your post stirred it all up again and you know what? SMURF them my truth is my truth, my feeling are my feeling, my opinions are my opinions and if my friends disagree they are free to have their truth and if that truth means that cant stand to hear mine then they can deleat me!
  • Love and support and prayers are with you and Gracie. You be where you need to be. All this other stuff can wait.
  • Great post, as usual, Elizabeth! Transparency can DEFINITELY suck sometimes. And it is even worse when things are pointed out FOR you. Look at Tiger Woods, I'm sure he REALLY wanted all of his family troubles to be put on air. Regardless of what happened, no one should have their privacy revealed like that on national television.

    What doesn't kill us will only make us stronger, right?
  • The thing w/ Tiger Woods (not that I'm following it at all, but you kind of can't avoid it) shows that privacy is an illusion, especially if you court the public eye. So I just assume I have no privacy. It's all about managing expectations ... if you don't expect privacy, you're not surprised when you don't.
  • Hi Eliabeth,

    Thanks for your yet again wonderful post. I was wondering this side of the truth for you. First I remember hanging with you in Vegas and asking about your now ex-husband. I could tell something was wrong, but didn't know what. And then shortly after Vegas you came out with your blog post about the divorce.

    My cousin is going through a divorce right now and it seems like she is very isolated. Most of her friends don't understand what she is going through and she might not even want to talk about it. Also, she can' move on with her life because she is required to stay where she has been living instead of going to where she wants to move.

    And on the subject of truth and transparency... I feel like a lot of people on social media always put on this sunny face even when things aren't so great. Sometimes I even feel like I shouldn't tweet when i feel down. Which is why I love you on Twitter you're real. I did a video on this recently and told everyone about my crappy day and how i was crying. It felt good to be real with everyone.

    But one thing I have trouble with is that I'm a big people pleaser. Which means the hardest part for me in telling my truth is that I will upset people in the meantime, feelings will get hurt, etc. I've gotten a lot better with this, but it's something I still know that's inside of me.

    How do you deal with the fallout effect on other people when revealing your truth?

    Thanks again for your great blog posts and looking forward to hanging out at SXSW. It will be like a Vegas reunion!
  • This is *so* hard, dealing w/ crashing other people's expectations of you. When I found out that my parents read my twitter, it freaked me out, since I'm pretty much 100% out there on twitter. But, in a way, it is freeing, because, well, they now know *everything* and if they still love me, then wow.

    And, I think us people-pleasers don't give people enough credit. The people who love us will still love us. And if they don't ... they didn't really love us anyway.
  • What a glorious post Elizabeth.

    What I've always found is what I resist, persists in my life. Taking on a level of transparency like you have I completely appreciate because it's the only way I've found to live in my truth. I've practiced it much in my blogging over the past few years and like you have found people more inspired to share what has been in their shadows and to shed light on it.

    By shedding light on our shadows we inspire people to see that it's quite OK to be "real" and not wear social masks. I myself find myself still wearing social mask's at times and have to become conscious of it however more times than not I live in my light.

    I too went through a divorce going on 5 years ago and it was one of the hardest things to do but was also one of the most liberating things I've done for my spiritual journey.

    I love how courageous your living and the light you're sharing. The world is our mirror and you're a reflection of how I am choosing to live my life as well.

    "We are everyone and everything. So live as if you wish to see it."-Me

    Keep shedding your light Elizabeth!
  • Wow Elizabeth, you really let the cat out of the bag with this one! I love your honesty :-)

    Transparency is really important IMO. People are sick and tired of all the walls put up between them and other people or companies. With the huge shift on the web, it's now possible for those walls to go down and we should all, whether you're a small business owner or multi-billion dollar corporation, take advantage of this transparent age.

    Some things that are REALLY personal I think we should keep to ourselves. Everything else I think is fair game ;-)
  • Yes, people *know* there is a *whole* story. We know there is a "bad" or "dark" side of every story.

    And as soon as we (people, businesses, corporations, whatever) reveal all the "bad" stuff, it immediately builds trust. Because if we are sharing the "bad" stuff, then there is no worse stuff that is hidden.
  • Elizabeth - I think where we draw the line on being transparent is a question all of us active on social media ask ourselves and in some ways struggle with on a regular basis. I've chosen to have a wall around some information (or at least details of that information) and I post about it on Facebook mostly. I have in my Twitter profile a bit about Ehlers-Danlos. Most probably see that and have no clue what it is. It's a pretty debilitating disease. But, I can cross the line into TMI about how it affects my life so I tend to save that for my "friends" on Facebook.
  • Okay. Tried to form a comment, gave up, pondered more, came back.

    Can I be straight up with you?

    (Wait a minute, what am I saying? Of course I can be straight up with you.)

    Straight up: I believe that while there is nothing like transparency to create connection, there's a tipping point. It goes something like this: Can we stop navel-gazing about living this truthful life and just get ON with it?

    As I watch the transparency movement unfold, I'm sometimes reminded of various contingents (tribes, groups, what-have-you) who need to impress their identity on everyone and everyone, every second of the day. A certain archetype of flamingly gay New Yorker comes to mind. A certain archetype of polyamorist is another. When I first connected with the tradition of Wicca that I practice, it was "Poly" this and "Poly" that and "Poly Poly Poly" and I'm sitting there going, "Congratulations, you're poly. I love you. Now can we move on?"

    I'm generalizing, here, natch. My point is, sometimes transparency is just insecurity wrapped up in another package. Not always. But sometimes.

    For me, the big journey has been about coming out of hiding and stepping fully into what I'm REALLY doing with my life, and how all the pieces-parts are coming together. That's exhilarating. In the past year, I have become much more comfortable with, "This is who I am, take it or leave it."

    But that doesn't mean that I feel compelled to share my every last thought on the matter, even if it's relevant. Nor do I feel like I'm trying to keep up this front of "everything's perfect." Maybe because I've identified myself as a nerd for so long, it's like, hello, I never had that front to begin with. I gave up hanging with the "cool kids" when I was 14. (I remember the precise moment vividly.)

    Deep sincerity (a close relative of authenticity and transparency) has been among my top values for a long, long, time. I am ALWAYS sincere. Period, full stop. I may not always get it right, but I am always sincere. That includes my marketing. So it's not like there's been this big catharsis around that for me.

    My husband likes to say, "Instead of thinking about who you're going to BE, focus on doing what you're here to DO." The coming-out-of-hiding thing and doing-my-work thing is not about transparency, it's about doing my work and damn the consequences.

    Because the being is in the doing. Not the busywork doing, but life's work doing. As long as I'm doing THAT every day... that's good enough for me on the transparency tip.

    Meanwhile, back at the ranch, in other non-news, I love your transparency. :)
  • I agree that there is an intellectual masturbation going on re transparency and authenticity. And, it can become another way to hide behind something, by "talking" instead of just "doing" ... and, frankly, just another place for guru-ification.

    That's why I hope to not become the "expert" on living your truth. Because dude, it's *your* truth, not mine. I'm just sharing my thoughts/stories/tools to inspire others to find their own journey.

    Thanks so much Elizabeth for your always awesome & thought-provoking comments!
  • I just adore you, Lady EPW, and am so glad you're rockin' the leadership on this subject!
  • Hi Elizabeth,

    I'm new to your blog... seen you around Twitter for quite awhile, but this is the first time to your blog. A friend of mine pointed me here, thinking I'd relate to this post, and I totally do! I've been blogging for a few months, and just recently had a ginormous blogging/transparency post series on my cover up and personal experience with alcoholism... This topic is amazingly close to my heart at the moment, as I'm suddenly living more transparently than ever, and dealing with the exact repercussions of what you speak of... feeling amazingly liberated, and also judged and dealing with trying to live up to how you think you "should" be. You eloquently put this experience into words and it was a pleasure to read. Thank you :)

    Karen
  • I've currently been at odds with myself over who gets to know the "real me" as well - plenty of people who should, don't.
  • You are one awesome chick! I went through a divorce this past year, too. No one close to me could believe it when I left my ex... because I had put on that "everything is fine" facade for soooo long. Didn't dare let anyone know that my life was anything less than perfect.

    Ha Ha. That's a joke, and like you said, a bunch of horse crap. I realized this year that I've lived my whole life trying to be someone else's idea of "perfect." And I've made horrible choices as a result.

    I learned so much at Marie's RHH Live event in Oct., and it's so apparent that you did, too. I've loved reading your blogs, and I'm continually amazed by your courage (e.g., your blogs about Shine)!

    Living your truth and being transparent is not always easy, and it isn't always popular. When you've tried to please others all your life, it's awkward to say "no," especially when people are used to hearing "yes" from you.

    But we all learned how to crawl before we could walk, and walk before we could run. I'm in the crawling stage, but quickly working my way up to walking. Hopefully I'll be walking beside you one day very soon :)

    You continue to inspire me, and I thank you sincerely for that.

    Love, Lori
  • And one of the hardest things for me is to actually tell those people my truth ... especially when I don't have it all figured out yet!
  • OK honey, here's my transparency...

    The other day I went for a Belief Repatterning session. One of my 'issues' (not surprisingly) was fear. When asked what I thought the opposite of fear was, I said 'courage'. And when asked if I knew someone I thought demonstrated courage, I said 'Elizabeth.'

    So there you go, my dear. You're transparency and courage to step out from behind the veil of 'everything is fine' is helping to give others courage to speak and live their truth.

    I have been mulling over sending a different letter to my clients this Christmas. One that apologizes for not being 'there' for them like I once was these past few months. One that says I felt compelled to take a part-time job to protect my financial well-being, and that I hope it would be a short-term situation. A letter that says that my marriage hasn't exactly been rainbows and unicorn farts for some time now - something he wouldn't deny but would definitely NOT want me sharing with ANYONE. Because that would tarnish the 'everything is fine' image. A letter that confesses to having gone through (yet another) bout of depression and anxiety. A letter that closes by asking for their forgiveness and patience as I work through it all.

    I expect you grew up in a family like mine... 'everything is fine', even when it's not. "Don't air your dirty laundry". More horsesh*t. Everyone has dirty laundry. Covering it up and denying it only makes the smell more pungent. People eventually sniff it out. "Everything is NOT fine. Don't lie to me. I love you too much for you to lie to me."

    So I'm going to sit down next week and write that letter. Scary as hell, let me tell ya. But this "faking it" just doesn't work for me. I think releasing all that would be incredibly cathartic and release the energy blocks that are all corked up in there. I have many indicators that tell me that 2010 is going to be awesome, so getting the bottleneck open will allow all that good stuff in to replace the old junk.

    Yay for all us strong, courageous, transparent working moms!!! We rock!!

    Love you, and keep doing what you are doing girl!
  • Thank you so much for sharing this Patricia, I'm so honored you think of me this way. And, congrats on writing your letter!! I've found that if it is really scary (as in, your ego is trying to protect you from danger), then it's the most powerful thing for me to do.
  • Patricia, you GO girl! I applaud your honesty - because you're taking this tack the pain you may be experiencing right now will be all the shorter, the recovery - all the sweeter. More Unicorn farts! That's something I'm going to have to remember... ;-)

    And Elizabeth, it's been as great to read the cogent, well-thought comments as to read your posts. I'm so glad I found your blog. ;-)

    I'd like to address an issue we've danced around here on transparency or "translucency" per Arjuna Ardagh (his book: The Translucent Revolution is a good read for folks interested in this - http://www.translucents.org). As a therapist for twenty-five years and later a coach privy to extreme secrets in people's lives, I've had to be a secret-keeper for others even when choosing to live openly myself. Whether you're a professional with privileged information or not, we all have other people's secrets to treat with care and discretion.

    Patricia's example of her partner's carefully constructed marital facade and her desire to bore through this to live in the open is one very useful example. Sometimes the urgency to live free causes us to say things that may feel right at the time but be inappropriate, because they are others' secrets to keep, not ours to reveal.

    I'm not speaking of Patricia's situation in particular because I don't know her, but of the many that are similar. For example, we might know that our partner has a sexual kink that she or he doesn't want revealed in public. Or that they were involved in illegal activities as a teen. Or have a mentally ill family member. Or "secret" children from a youthful liason. None of these are our secrets to tell, no matter how bad the urge is to do so.

    Example: I was married to a man who was a serial drug abuser. His alcoholism was well known, so in examining the ethics of our situation, his drinking was something I felt I could speak of when asked, without elaborating further on other things he would not want known. When I wrote my last book, our relationship figured mildly in the prologue as one of the prime motivators for changes I made. It was necessary to describe the situation, but to do so in ways that didn't betray the confidences he had entrusted me with.

    Each of us needs to figure out what is fair, compassionate and ethical in revealing others' personal details. It's not something to treat in a cavalier manner or to decide upon in the heat of anger and the acrimony of relationship breakdown.

    So much for personal secrets, but what about the "gory details" of the relationship itself? Sometimes we think since we were there and it happened to us, that we have the right to publish. The he-said/she-said of anyone's relationship is really no one else's business, and is rarely illuminating or beneficial in public dissection. Certainly not for people who are striving to live a conscious life.

    Why do people like to reveal "gory details" in public? It gives us emotional satisfaction for a variety of reasons. But not consciousness. Nor an open or transparent life. Never that.

    You can see this in the current foofooraw surrounding Tiger Woods' reported infidelity. Are you tired of hearing about this? Are you even interested? As I've observed, the less interest you have in this kind of thing, the more aware and conscious you tend to be. Now think on this - are any of the people in this situation conscious, or close to conscious? Much less living transparently?

    I applaud the way Elizabeth is handling her divorce and teaching by sharing the universal themes around it without revealing intimate details. Well done, new friend, and I look forward to continued illumination. :-)

    To enhance your state of consciousness and life of transparency, choose compassionate discretion in the heat of the moment. You'll thank yourself later on. If it ever becomes necessary, you can always share more down the line.

    If a significant part of your life includes someone else's secrets, to reveal them (especially without consent) is to be attached to both the secret/s and the outcome of your revelation. And to dive back down into unconscious living. If the person you're in contention with wants to keep living unconsciously and under a facade, that's their business and their right.

    When we are beginning to live more consciously and out in the open, it's important to remember that this is *our* choice - BUT - we do not have the right to make this choice for others. It hooks us into attachment which always takes us backwards.

    Who's for living life in truth, in the open and out loud?

    Onward and upward!

    Warm blessings,
    Maryam Webster
  • I agree, and that's where I draw the line. I speak my truth, not someone else's business. Which is why I'm not going to write a "why my marriage didn't work" post, because that would reveal my ex's personal business way too much, no matter what I said.

    And, as a coach & attorney & confidant of tons of people, I am honored to be privy to countless secrets, that I would never reveal.

    One interesting effect of being transparent is that people actually share more of their secrets with me. I think that by revealing the good & bad, it builds so much trust. And really, I just have that quality about me (random people sometimes tell me their secrets ... I must give off that vibe).
  • My hubby has a saying "I have 'ask me a dumb question' written on my forehead - you have the 'tell me your life story' written on yours" because that's what happens to us on a reliable basis. I think the quality of transparency and openness is what draws people to tell you their secrets.

    And the fact that you play full out. And go through the fear and say it / do it anyway. That's a rarity that, through people like you standing in their brilliance, will hopefully become more and more commonplace. Thank you for being a great exemplar!

    I am absorbing the rest of your articles and videos with extra relish Elizabeth. It's like finding a never-before-read novel by a favorite author. Have just finished your takedown of "The Marketing Funnel" and agree with your assessment. Way to create community.

    I am so very much enjoying the genius of your wit, wisdom and exuberant zest for life. Rock on!
  • Well spoken, Maryam.
  • much that's recognizable and relatable in your thoughtful, well-written post. my biggest speed bump to transparency is labels. it's been my experience that once somebody slaps a label on you, it sticks like i wish my gps system would stay up on the windshield in my car, and that can be time-consuming. but, of course, if i just lived authentically, transparent and answerable to at least my own largest self, well, then i might not even notice the labels. this is a big chewy, yes it is.
  • Great post, Elizabeth. I appreciate you being honest about being honest. It's so easy to start shading the truth or pulling back just a little, and suddenly you're made out of bullshit and wondering where all the authenticity went.

    I decided to include a small amount of swearing on my professional website, because I realised if I didn't, I'd start thinking about poentially offending Someone every single time I wrote, and that sucks the life and uniqueness out of my voice in seconds.
  • That's awesome ... it's funny how little things like swearing can make a big difference. For some reason I use sh*t instead of shit most of the time. I'm not quite sure why, really ..... but I don't say shoot, because that would not be how I speak. Weird.
  • Wow!, Elizabeth!!! I hope you know what an inspiration you are!

    I am facing a situation that mirrors yours very closely.To know that someone else had the bravery to do what I'm currently in the process of starting lets me know that I'm not crazy! It's okay for me to live my truth and sometimes that means change and scary things. Thank you for being willing to share the truth, all of it. I feel the same way as you, I want to live my truth, l want people to know me, all of me!

    Thank you.
  • What would be very interesting to explore is transparency vs. "the need to know" . I personally admire it when people are able to express themselves with complete candor (as you do), explain our thought processes and the life experiences we have had or are having that create who we are today. Being open about those experiences certainly impacts the "know, like and trust" factor that compels others to connect to us.

    Is there some balance to be had in what some will see as 'too much information" because they want to stay in their own Utopian bubble and keep you on a pedestal? That only seems to be a bad thing if it hurts you, because they choose the utopia for themselves. If you are teaching about plumbing and you have declared bankruptcy in the past, does it matter to your clients? Probably not. If you are talking about financial security, it would be much more important, especially if you discuss how you got through the tough times.

    On the other hand, It is when the holding back of "who we really are" shuts us down, causing us to not be ourselves in that full "warts and all glory" that creates the need, the craving, to be transparent.

    I think that we mostly need to be transparent (to whatever level we choose) for ourselves, less so for others, don't you think? Obviously when we share all of who we are, those who are listening will winnow down to "our tribe" of appreciative fans, it will also convert a few who are on the fence and the rest will drop away.
  • I think transparency and relevance go together. I don't tell every story & reveal everything, because some of it is not relevant ... and I don't mean that I intellectually think about whether it is relevant. What I mean, do I *feel* that I'm *hiding* something.

    So if someone is teaching how to make a $1M and they don't make a $1M, they might feel out of resonance w/ their own teachings ... and are hiding that fact. But another person may be in exactly same situation but are not hiding anything. Of course, someone can teach who doesn't do, if they are amazing at teaching (and are not lying about their results, of course).

    I actually don't think about what other people think is relevant ... which is interesting. My standard is what I feel about the information. But, I'm an intuitive/feeling person, so other people are more logical may need to think about this in another way.
  • Procomicdiva
    It is a tough battle and i don't think it's meant to be all roses and lights. I can relate to the unsaid and then feeling less then in my full truth in something right now that I am struggling to stand my ground and speak my heart. I try to be pretty open in many things but it needs lots of work.... Baby steps Baby steps I guess!
  • OMFG. Thank you for writing this. So now I don't have to, and I can read yours.
    OMG.
    Wow.
    Jesus.
    Love you, Alli
    P.S. You are so friggin awesome I need to put my blinders on to read your blog.
  • The truth will set you free; it's just that freedom is very scary to most. Real freedom has no boundaries and there lies the greatest challenge of all. Who, what will I be? Anything is possible as a free thinker. Love your post; what a powerful lady you are :) @morefit
  • sarahrobinson
    I laugh with one of my brother's (who is also attempting living his truth transparently) that it would be nice to throw up the red pill of consciousness sometimes so we could go back to living unconsciously and numbly. But living this way isn't a sometimes thing, is it? It's like "sort of being pregnant". You either are or you aren't. And yes it is hard sometimes. And it sucks sometimes. And it is incredibly painful sometimes. But once we know how to live this way and all the freedom that it brings, it is impossible to go back. Good thing BFFs hold our hands in the dark. :-)
  • Oh yes, that fraking red pill!! But that is so true. There's no way I can go back now. Because even though this side is messy and challenging, it's also freaking awesome.
  • jeffhechtaz
    "For me, it must be 100% all in or I can’t play the game."

    Of all of the TRUTH you tell here, on Twitter, Facebook, or in real life, this may be the truest statement of all! If you are not always 100% honest, truthful, and open with those around you, especially those closest to you, well, you're missing the point of even HAVING these relationships in your life... I have always subscribed to this.


    You are right, sometimes honesty can be too much, and people, as Jack Nicholson said so perfectly, "can't handle the truth." But for me, that is on them, not me. Its not always pretty, or even dressed up to be pretty. Sometimes it can be downright upsetting or ugly. The truth can truly suck sometimes...

    But I wouldn't have it any other way.

    Great post, EPW!
    :-)
  • And this is my big profound realization for this year ... if I am brave enough to be completely 100% myself, then I attract relationships w/ people who *want* me to be 100% myself. And not only is that one of the coolest things ever ... it challenges me to keep being brave enough to be 100% myself. Awesome circularness.

    And, thanks for being one of my new 100% people, Jeff. :)
  • Jennifer Bowen
    As much as I love this post and was coming down here to tell you as much. Elizabeth, your response to Jeff's comment just hit me. It does take nerves of steel to be completely 100% yourself. I've been working on this but I still draw a line on somethings. You'd think for as much of a chatterbox as I am that wouldn't be a problem but letting people know the 100% real you is scary. Thank you for inspiring those of us who need it.

    Thanks!
    Jenn
  • Hi Elizabeth,
    We met years ago at a networking meeting in San Jose and I'm so pleased to see you pop up on Twitter and Facebook. Have been enjoying your posts, especially the divorce related posts which I've only just found. I had a similar experience of divorce from my first husband in 2000. It was all about how I sucked being married to him and how very much that relationship pulled me down into the depths of our own private hell. I had to get out or face devolution.

    How very empowering divorce is! We should all be allowed at least one starter spouse. <grin>

    What you say about transparency is absolutely true, and it can be an uncomfortable place until we start paying more attention to inner direction rather than hooking into the persuasiveness of the painbody of those around us. Humans have a hard-wired urge to wallow in misery. Takes starch in your bonnet to get past that. Brava for you!

    Transparency for me also must be 100%. When first online in 1992 someone threatened to "out" me from behind my screen name on AOL. Since I had nothing to hide, I outted myself and have opted for my own name over a false persona ever since. An object lesson in how other areas of life, for me at least, need to be run. If you ask me about a thing, I'll pretty much tell you about it. It's so relaxing not to put feverish energy into maintaining a front. ;-)

    Much of what I see in business, especially small business is built upon tissues of lies and airbrushing the inconvenient details to look as perfect as possible. We never have a year in the red, everything's just dandy even after the iceberg hits our ship of business, and the gaping hole is apparent to all. The worst I've seen are the gurus, who present a shiny facade but are having problems, aren't as wealthy as their press says they are, and are really NOT perfect.

    No one is!

    How much more attractive it is when we are able to cheerfully admit our foibles and go forward, for it places us then not in the lofty clouds of those who are icons, but with our feet firmly planted alongside the people we are meant to serve.

    And if I may say in closing, transparency may not be sexy right now, but it can and does become so, and much easier and more supportive, the more you exercise the transparency muscle.

    Brava for a brilliant series of posts on this topic Elizabeth and for being such a stellar exemplar of life lived in the open. I will point my list in your direction & look forward to reading more.

    And if you get time before you leave for the southlands, I'd love to meet you, I'm just up the peninsula. Cheers!

    Warmly,
    Maryam Webster
  • Thank you so much for this amazing comment, Maryam!

    Yes, I always use my real name online ... once thing I know as an attorney is that all information is out there. There is no such thing an anonymous. Completely privacy is a myth. And so relying upon it is incredibly foolish.

    And that's the thing too, no one is perfect. And if we *pretend* to be perfect then we are constantly hiding, constantly worried about being "found out" -- but when we let everything out there, it's out there. And strangely, people resonate w/ the full truth. Well, not everyone. But the important people.
  • Sorry this post is not quite as fun as climbing a mountain of bat sh*t.

    But living my truth is not always fun.

    #thatisall
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